There are a lot of reasons why your marriage may feel more like a roommate relationship rather than a romantic one. While every relationship is unique, it isn't uncommon for couples to see a breakdown or a shift as they edge towards the 10-year mark. After all, the term "seven-year itch" has to come from something!
Infidelity and dead bedrooms are frequently given as warning signs that your relationship is on the rock. While infidelity is never excusable, and decreased physical intimacy, can be cause for concern, there's one another thing to watch out for. A lack of communication could be harming your relationship more than either of those two things.
Communication Breakdown
Communication is key in any relationship. After all, a marriage is a pact, and pacts do not exist only on one side. If you want your relationship to survive all the ups and downs the world has to offer, you need to be willing to communicate.
A lack of communication is actually more insidious than infidelity or a dead bedroom because it isn't as easy to spot. You and your spouse may be falling into bed every night, but how often do you share your thoughts and feelings with each other? In fact, you may be using intimacy to distract or deflect from the issues at hand.
Communication isn't just making small talk about the weather or the state of your guest bedroom. Nor do we mean talking to your partner as though they're paid to listen to you and dissect your problems. Communication—good communication—is about honesty and connection.
Talking about your feelings can be scary, trust us, we know. However, your partner is supposed to be your safe space. If you can't confide in them, who else can you confide in?
Sometimes, you can get so close to someone that you start to live inside of each other. You start feeling like the same person and, at the same time, you feel like you don't know them at all. How are you supposed to share your fears and concerns with yourself?
Communication covers a wide range of conversation. Being honest about feeling unfulfilled in your relationship and how you can fix it is an example of good communication. So is asking your spouse about your day and listening—really listening—to what they have to say.
Communication Is Key
Miscommunication or a lack of communication can lead to larger problems. It can lead to conflicts over things such as schedules and priorities. When left unchecked, it can lead to one partner feeling unsafe around the other.
We understand why some couples start feeling bored and/or restless in their relationships after a while. Once the honeymoon phase has cooled off, entire years seem to pass in the blink of an eye. One minute you're newlyweds, the next you have two kids, a dog, and a mortgage!
Building off of the spark metaphor, if a marriage is a fire, you should be careful of what kind it is. A forest fire can burn hot and bright, but it difficult to control and can leave a trail of destruction in its path. A hearth may not be as exciting, but it will keep you safe and warm throughout the winter.
If you want to keep your marriage from feeling monotonous and nurture that marital flame, the best thing you can do as a couple is communicate. The scariest part of the process is admitting you have a problem. However, bumps in the road don't need to mean failure, they can lead to rebirth.
So, talk about your insecurities and your hopes for the future. Share anecdotes from childhood. Ask your partner about their feelings and practice active listening—it just might save your marriage.
