We've all been there before. Whenever someone asks us how we're doing, the reply slips out before we know it: "I'm fine." Deep down, though, we're not. We have about a million things that we're currently worried and stressed about, and we haven't even been able to get a good night's rest for the past week. So, why do we tell others that we're just "fine"?
As you'll see, there are several reasons behind why this reflex response happens. Understanding why may allow us to shift from this habit and be more truthful with ourselves.
Avoiding Conflicts
When a stranger asks how we're doing, we don't want to be put on the spot, and we certainly don't want to make them feel like they need to hear our entire sob story. We're all simply trying to get through the day. We may never see each other again. Why subject both of us to a conversation we don't want to have?
And yet, even if that's the excuse most of us come up with, it doesn't explain why we still say "I'm fine" to people we are closer to. Isn't it important to be honest with our feelings? Shouldn't we be grateful that we have a circle of loved ones who are ready to be a shoulder to lean on when we need it? Why do we still feel like telling them the truth will burden them?
The truth isn't easy to say, though, especially when it could spiral the conversation into something else. In order to distance ourselves from these uncomfortable feelings and avoid stepping on an invisible wire that may trigger someone's anger, it's much easier to bury our words back down our throats. Our lives are hard enough as it is, and getting through each day already feels like a milestone. It's unfair to assume that people will be accommodating and understanding even if we tell the truth, and pretending that we're fine is easier to do than telling someone that we need something from them.
Those who have had experiences with dysfunctional relationships and childhoods are the ones who will typically avoid being truthful about their feelings in fear that they may anger others or drive them away. They don't want to do anything that makes someone reject them, so it's easier to play the role of being a carefree, happy-go-lucky person than someone who has complicated feelings.
Denying Our Emotions
Sometimes, or maybe more often, we pretend we're okay because we want to believe we actually are. We deny the other emotions we feel by pushing them to the back, and putting on a cheerful face until the rest of our body complies. It isn't just easier to say we're fine to avoid conflicts with others—it's easier because we can also avoid facing those painful, complex feelings ourselves.
Our childhood experiences can also explain this, too. Those of us who were repeatedly ignored and told to hide our true feelings often retain this habit into adulthood. After all, we were taught that it wasn't good to express our emotions in front of other people, so what can we do but suppress them and act like we're in the wrong for feeling that way? Even if we were to tell others how we truly felt, we've learned since young that we're not worth others' time or empathy, so it's better to just keep our mouths shut.
Shifting from the Reflex
It doesn't have to be this way, though. Emotions are complicated, and they always will be. The reason why we feel a complex range of them is proof that we're human, and that we're not invincible. We're intricate, and we deserve to be heard.
It might be hard to make this shift, but next time someone asks you if you're doing okay, put more truth into your response. Our feelings shouldn't be considered taboo to talk about, and we shouldn't continue perpetuating this belief. Even just saying "I'm not fine, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet" is okay, too. The longer we suppress how we actually feel, the more painful it will be, so let's not lock ourselves into a box.
