Why You Should Stop Chasing People & Let Them Come To You
Like a child chasing after a group of geese, only to have them fly away, it's a natural human instinct to chase the things or people we want. From a young age, we're fed narratives about how persistence can win our one true love. In real life, this kind of tenacity is a toxic trait. The chase and reward cycle is addictive, and often ends up in fewer wins than if you were to let go. The people who want to be there don't need to be chased—they'll come to you.
Many of us fall into patterns of over-investing in relationships, bending ourselves into impossible shapes to hold onto someone’s attention, affection, or approval. The painful truth is, if you have to chase someone, they’re already walking away. Besides, you deserve connections where effort flows both ways.
The paradox of the chase
The funny thing about letting go and stopping the chase is that you become automatically more attractive—irresistible even—as it's common to desire what's out of reach. We're not talking about painting yourself as emotionally unavailable or nonchalant to get a girl (or guy). We're talking about making your feelings known by communicating them, then walking away—putting the ball in their court. This avoids you over-investing in people who don't truly value your presence.
A budding relationship doesn't have to include games—it can be simple and blissful if all parties are honest about their feelings and willing to let down barriers. This strategy is a great way to avoid toxicity and weed out people who don't truly deserve your attention. It also shows a level of self-assuredness that's wildly attractive.
How the chase breeds unhappiness
Chasing sends the message that someone's validation is more important than your self-respect. It places your emotional well-being in someone else’s hands, making your happiness dependent on whether they stay, respond, or reciprocate. In contrast, stepping back signals confidence, grounding, and self-belief. It shows that you trust your worth enough not to beg for attention, and that you don’t fear losing someone who isn’t truly invested in you. People naturally gravitate toward those who value themselves; detachment often does what desperation can’t.
Letting others come to you also creates healthier, more balanced and authentic relationships. Why would you want to push yourself into someone's life? Have the self-confidence to know that you simply being you is enough to make them want you. When someone chooses you freely—not out of guilt, pressure, or persistence—the connection is stronger. If you have to "earn" their attention, it won't be as pure of a connection, and may even be conditional.
How to stop chasing
Breaking the cycle of chasing can be easier said than done as it entails a whole mindset shift, but there are practical strategies you can use to become the person that people naturally gravitate towards.
First off, pause before you react. Chasing often starts with impulsive responses — texting back instantly, overexplaining, overreaching. Building a habit of taking a breath and pausing may be enough the break the whole pattern.
Instead of obsessing over a person, fill your life with things that make you feel alive, like hobbies, friendships, fitness, and creative work. Kill any feelings or actions of desperation by creating a life that fulfills you instead of hunting for somenone to share it with. You'll be amazed how naturally attractive this not needing anyone makes you.
Finally, don't put in 120 percent when someone else if putting in 20. If someone pulls back, don't run forward. The healthiest relationships happen when the effort is balanced, and remember that you deserve being pursued, too.
