Little kids experience all of life at full volume, without the checks and balances of emotional restraint that comes, hopefully, with age. With kids, their unbridled joy makes them sprint in circles, while their rage transforms them into tiny screaming kettles. When sadness strikes, it buckles their knees and leaves them weeping in a puddle of tears on the floor. If we don’t give them the words and tools while their brains are still malleable, they hit kindergarten carrying all that intensity with no ability to rein it in. The good news for parents is with a few simple strategies, children can be wired for emotional intelligence way before they ever throw a tantrum before circle time.
Name Every Feeling Out Loud
Start labeling emotions the moment they make an appearance. Go beyond simple labels of “happy” and “mad” and instead use nuanced language like: frustrated, disappointed, jealous, embarrassed, proud, and lonely. When your three-year-old knocks over the block tower and howls, crouch down and say, “You’re so disappointed right now. You worked hard on that tower.” Do it enough and one day they’ll stomp in from the yard and announce, “I’m furious because Maya took the swing I wanted.” It'll show that the chaotic constellation of emotions within them is finally forming into something coherent.
And don’t neglect to make them aware of your own feelings. There’s no fault in admitting, “Mama’s feeling overwhelmed because the baby cried all night and the coffee spilled.” Seeing you articulate your state of mind without falling apart teaches them it’s okay to be emotionally transparent.
Let Them Feel it in Their Bodies
Kids, by default, aren’t cerebral and emotions are experienced more physically than mentally or verbally. Teach them how feelings manifest. When they’re excited, have them put a hand on their chest. When they’re scared, draw their attention to their cold hands or the goosebumps prickling across their arms. One game you can play is: “Where’s your mad right now?” Have them point to their flushed cheeks or their clenched fists. Suddenly the feeling isn’t an overwhelming force controlling them; it’s just turbulence passing through a body they’re learning to read and understand.
Use the “hand on belly” trick early. Have them take three slow breaths while feeling their belly go out and in. It may seem ridiculous but taking some measured breaths will help dissipate that negative energy.
Turn Toys into Therapy
It can be a doll, a dinosaur, or any old stuffed animal—doesn’t matter. Use it to help them talk about their day. Say to them, “Mr. T-Rex is feeling left out because no one picked him for the tea party. What should we say to him?”
Kids will comfort that dinosaur with a tenderness they can’t yet extend to themselves. They’ll pat his spiky head and whisper, “It’s okay, Rex. You can sit by me.” Empathy isn't built in crisis mode but in these cultivated low-stakes moments.
Sometimes the toys get mad too. Let the unicorn yell at the Lego guy, then make up afterward. Kids need to see conflict and reconciliation over and over before they can do the same in their own human relationships.
Read the Same Books Over and Over
Certain books are pure gold for helping children explore the spectrum of their emotions. Some of our favorites include: The Color Monster, The Rabbit Listened, Grumpy Monkey, In My Heart, and Today I Feel Silly. Read them together with your child until the pages fall out. Make a study of it, stopping on each page to ask them to interpret the plot—"What's happening in his body?" or "Have you ever felt like that?"
By doing so, you're building their emotional vocabulary, one picture at a time. Pretty soon, something will shift and they’ll start bringing you the book when they're dysregulated. That's them asking for help without words, demonstrating that they've connected the book to the feeling and you to safety.
Create a Calm-Down Corner That Isn’t Punishment
This isn’t a timeout space, but somewhere cozy associated with comfort. Think soft bean bag in a corner with crafts equipment and paper for angry scribbling. When their meltdown hits, say, “Looks like you need your cozy spot.” They’ll wander over, flop down, and magically reappear ten minutes later able to speak again.
Do these things before they turn five and you’ll send a kid to kindergarten who can say, “I’m feeling anxious because the fire drill was loud,” instead of biting someone. That’s the whole game. Start tomorrow; they’re ready.
