Do Those Who Sleep Together Stay Together?
So-called "sleep divorces"—or alternative sleep arrangements if you prefer a lighter term, are growing in popularity. Studies show that approximately 1 in 5 couples sleep in different beds or even different rooms. Could this be the secret to a happy marriage or the sign of one on the rocks?
1. Decreased Intimacy
The most common problem people have with sleep divorces is that they decrease opportunities for intimacy. No kisses, no cuddles, and nothing more. This can lead to serious problems in a relationship.
2. Extra Expense
Sure, one party may start out on the couch, but nobody wants to sleep on the sofa for the foreseeable future. Separate sleeping arrangements may mean buying a second bed to accommodate your partner. In this economy?
3. Foster Insecurity
While nobody is in "the wrong" for suggesting a sleep divorce, it can be easy for one partner to feel insecure. Did you do something wrong? Is this the warning sign of divorce? If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
4. Increased Emotional Distance
Sleeping apart not only increases your physical distance from each other, it increases you emotional distance. Even if it ultimately helps you get better sleep, it can still feel like there's an emotional wall up. Unless your relationship has strong communication, it can take a lot to bring that wall down.
5. Cause Loneliness
While sleeping alone can ultimately help fix your sleep schedule, it can also be unbearably lonely. This is especially true if one of you is all alone in a king bed. Nobody wants to feel left out of their own marriage.
6. Cuts Off Communication
It's easy to voice your insecurities when you're cuddled up with your partner. It's more difficult when they're down the hall or on the couch. A sleep divorce can make communication feel like a chore.
7. Lack Of Synchronization
Research shows that couples who are more in sync with their sleep—i.e. rising and falling asleep at the same time—enjoy some relationship advantages including higher rates of physical intimacy and more relationship satisfaction. Breaking up this synchronicity could see these advantages decrease.
8. Lead To Anxiety
When a person is left alone with their thoughts, it's incredible easy for those thoughts to develop into anxiety or full-blown paranoia. Could their spouse be keeping someone else's bed warm? It's easy to see how insecurity can spiral into fears of infidelity.
9. Conflict Avoidance
Sleeping apart isn't a tell-tale sign that you're headed for a breakup, but it can lead to one. Rather than addressing underlying conflict, sleeping apart can further drive a wedge between you. Do you really care about your sleep, or do you just want to ignore the elephant in the room?
10. Social Stigma
There's a reason why we tease husbands about "being in the doghouse" when they sleep on the couch, or call wives "cold fish" for wanting to sleep apart. There's nothing wrong with sleeping apart, but the social stigma can be damaging. As much as we love them, friends and family can be judgy!
Now that we've covered some ways that sleeping apart can damage a marriage, let's look at a few ways it can save one!
1. Allow For A Better Night's Sleep
If you and your spouse spend more time tossing and turning than lost in dreamland, you should consider trying separate sleep arrangements. Sleep is hugely important to your physical, mental, and emotional performance. Sometimes, a good night's sleep is more important than sharing a bed.
2. Re-Energize The Relationship
We mean this literally. The better you sleep, the more energized you feel. The more energized you feel, the more you're able to put in and get out of relationships.
3. Reduce Squabbling
Maybe one of you snores; maybe you like a firm mattress while your spouse likes a soft one; maybe they talk in their sleep. There are a million little things a person can do while unconscious that can irritate bed partners. Sleeping apart can prevent these annoyances from developing into full-blown spats.
4. No Blanket Hogging
No matter how much you love your spouse, it's hard to deny that blanket hogging is one of the worst thing a bed partner can do. This is especially true if they're already a portable furnace while you're out here feeling like Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic. Separate beds means separate problems.
5. Re-Ignite Marital Flame
Sometimes, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Sleeping apart from your spouse can make your desire for them all the more potent. When you do share the same bed, it will be with renewed intimacy.
6. Find New Avenues For Intimacy
Sleeping apart doesn't mean you have to cut off all opportunities for intimacy. In fact, it can foster new connection by creating quality time before sleep. The two of you could read together in bed before going your separate ways, or take turns surprising each other in the morning.
7. Less Stress
Interrupted sleep can lead to stress, which can bubble over and affect every aspect of your life. If you or your partner have a sleep disorder, trying to accommodate that could be stressful for both of you. Less stress over lost sleep can lead to fewer causes for conflict.
8. Allows For Autonomy
While a relationship may feel all-consuming, it should never be all consuming. Sleeping apart allows for both parties to maintain some of their individuality. No matter how much you love your spouse, sometimes you need some space.
9. Schedule Accommodations
Perhaps you and your partner start the day at different times. Whether it's work schedules or your body's natural clock, trying to start your day without waking the other body in bed can be tense. Separate beds (or separate rooms) allows both of you to start your day when you want.
10. Fosters Communication
Ultimately, a sleep divorce is successful not due to any one thing, but several. The reason why some couples find a sleep divorce beneficial is thanks to the communication it allows them. Open and honest communication is the best thing you can bring to a relationship
