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For many people, there's nothing more relaxing than having an evening alone. It allows you to unwind, recharge, and do whatever you want, whether that's enjoying a quiet dinner, catching up on your favorite hobbies, or simply appreciating having nobody else around. For others, however, spending even a few hours alone can bring on an unexpected sense of discomfort. They might immediately reach for their phones, start making plans, or look for anything to keep themselves occupied.

Although it's easy to assume these people are simply extroverted or particularly sociable, the explanation isn't always that straightforward. Sometimes, their discomfort has very little to do with enjoying other people's company and much more to do with what happens when they're left to themselves. Psychologists have found that our relationship with solitude can reveal a great deal about how we process emotions, view ourselves, and deal with uncomfortable thoughts.

Being Alone Means Facing Your Own Thoughts

One reason some people struggle with solitude is that being alone takes away many of the distractions they've come to rely on. When you're constantly surrounded by conversation, entertainment, and social activities, there's little opportunity for uncomfortable thoughts to creep in. Without those distractions, unresolved worries, insecurities, or unpleasant memories can suddenly become much harder to ignore. For someone who tends to avoid difficult emotions, even a relaxing afternoon can feel strangely stressful.

Psychologists sometimes refer to this behavior as experiential avoidance, which involves trying to escape unwanted thoughts, feelings, or sensations. Instead of dealing with something upsetting, a person might pack their schedule with social engagements or constantly look for ways to stay entertained. There's nothing inherently wrong with these activities, but they can become problematic when their main purpose is to avoid emotional discomfort. 

Of course, there's a big difference between experiencing difficult thoughts and being unable to tolerate them. Nearly everyone has uncomfortable memories or worries that occasionally come to mind when things get quiet. However, people who regularly avoid their internal experiences may find that these feelings become increasingly difficult to manage. Learning to sit with uncomfortable thoughts rather than immediately distracting yourself can gradually make spending time alone feel less scary.

Your Childhood May Have Something to Do With It

How someone feels about solitude can also be influenced by their earliest relationships. Children learn important lessons about emotional security through their interactions with parents and other caregivers, especially when they're upset or frightened. Consistent, supportive responses can help children develop confidence that their relationships remain secure even when they're temporarily separated from loved ones. When caregiving is unpredictable or emotionally unavailable, however, some people may grow up feeling more sensitive to distance or potential rejection.

Attachment theory provides one possible explanation for why certain adults find separation particularly uncomfortable. People with anxious attachment tendencies may worry about being abandoned, forgotten, or replaced by those they care about. Spending time alone can sometimes bring these fears to the surface, especially when a partner or close friend isn't immediately available. Rather than enjoying a little independence, they might find themselves wondering whether their relationships are as stable as they believed.

Interestingly, this discomfort isn't necessarily caused by physical isolation. Someone might be perfectly happy spending an afternoon alone when they know their partner will be home later that evening. However, that same afternoon could suddenly feel distressing if they're uncertain about the relationship or suspect that their partner is becoming distant. In other words, how comfortable someone feels alone can depend more on their sense of emotional security than whether anyone is physically nearby.

Still, childhood experiences don't determine someone's relationship with solitude for the rest of their life. Adult relationships, personal experiences, and healthier coping strategies can all influence attachment patterns over time. Someone who once struggled with separation may gradually become more comfortable doing things independently as they develop confidence in themselves and the people around them. Recognizing where these feelings might come from is often a helpful first step.

Learning to Enjoy Your Own Company

Another factor worth considering is how much someone relies on external validation. People who regularly turn to others for reassurance, approval, or a sense of identity may feel uncomfortable when that attention suddenly disappears. Without friends, coworkers, or romantic partners offering encouragement, they might find themselves questioning their own worth. Spending time alone can make this dependence more noticeable because there's nobody immediately available to provide the reassurance they're used to receiving.

Social media can also make the habit of seeking constant interaction harder to break. Between notifications, group chats, and countless opportunities to compare yourself with others, it's possible to spend almost every waking moment socially connected. While digital communication certainly helps people maintain meaningful relationships, constantly checking for messages can make uninterrupted time feel unusually empty. Even a quiet phone might leave someone wondering whether their friends are losing interest in them.

Fortunately, getting comfortable with solitude doesn't mean you have to start spending entire weekends without seeing another person. Small changes, like going for a walk alone or enjoying lunch without constantly checking your phone, can help make the experience feel more natural. It also helps to choose activities you genuinely enjoy, since spending time by yourself doesn't have to mean sitting in complete silence with nothing to do. As these experiences become more familiar, you may find yourself feeling increasingly confident and content without needing someone else around.

It's also worth remembering that enjoying solitude and having close relationships aren't mutually exclusive. Humans naturally benefit from companionship, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with preferring social activities over spending long stretches of time alone. The concern is when being by yourself consistently causes significant distress or makes it difficult to acknowledge your own thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, becoming comfortable with solitude isn't about wanting other people around less, but about feeling secure enough in yourself that their absence doesn't automatically make you uncomfortable.