Are you too polite for your own good? There's a difference between being genuinely kind—which is a good trait to have—and being overly polite, and the latter might just wring you dry. If you're constantly apologizing for things that aren't your fault, agreeing to tasks and plans you don't actually want, and always putting other people's needs above your own, it's pretty clear which side you fall on, and it's not entirely a good thing.
You Say "Sorry" to Everything
It doesn't matter who or what you're apologizing to (be it person, pet, or inanimate object), and it doesn't even matter if you weren't in the wrong. "Sorry" is permanently embedded in your vocabulary, and it's probably the most common word you say to people. At this point, you apologize without even thinking through it.
While it's good manners to say sorry when you're at fault, overapologizing has its downsides. For one, assuming that you should take the blame and fall every time will only chip away at your confidence over time, and people will take advantage of your passiveness, thinking it's okay that you apologize for their mistakes. And if you're often told you're too polite for your own good, you've likely wondered if it's a good thing others notice that, or whether it just means they recognize it's easier to get their way whenever you're in the picture. In other words: You've become their doormat.
You Say "Yes" When You Mean "No"
How often have you agreed to something before your heart was fully on board with whatever it is you're saying yes to? If you're too polite for your own good, the answer is probably all the time. In fact, the word "yes" often comes out instinctively, and before you know it, you suddenly have 10 extra tasks on your desk to do that weren't your responsibility in the first place.
Setting boundaries might seem like a hard thing to do at first. It may feel as though you're closing people off, even though you want to be as accommodating and considerate as possible. But being afraid of disappointing others is exhausting. When your plate is constantly full without you wanting it to be, that's a recipe for burnout.
You Put Others' Needs Above Your Own
Being too polite all the time often leads to another problem: you start putting others' needs above your own. From overapologizing to agreeing without thinking, you've rewired your brain to think that you don't matter as much as others.
Take, for example, the airplane-oxygen-mask analogy. You might think it's inconceivable to put your mask on first before helping others (because shouldn't you help others first?), but when oxygen is rapidly thinning in an vessel that's more than 30,000 feet in the skies, you have to act quick—and helping others put on their masks first means you'll likely lose conscioiusness before you even get to carry out your good Samaritan plan. If you put your own mask first, though, you'd have enough time and energy to get to everyone else. The point of this analogy is clear: Self-care should come first.
Isn't that selfish? you might ask. But self-care isn't selfish—it's essential. Without first giving yourself the care and love you need, you're not putting yourself in a better position to support others. If you disagree and think self-care is selfish, it's because you've rewired your brain to always put your needs last.
Is It People-Pleasing—or Just Your Personality?
All of this might start to sound familiar. It sounds less like you're too polite for your own good and more like people-pleasing. Is your behavior people-pleasing? Well, in a way, yes.
That's not to say, of course, that you can't just be a nice person. Not everyone who's too polite or too nice is someone who will allow others to treat them like a doormat. You can be kind, considerate, and accommodating, and still know when to draw the line. You just have to recognize when and how to set boundaries. It's when you know you're being far too agreeable, to the point that you neglect your own needs, that you might be veering off to the people-pleasing direction.
If there's one takeaway you should take from all this, it's that you should learn to appreciate yourself. It's a wonderful thing to be kind and well-mannered, but it also matters how much you're sacrificing to keep the peace. Kindness shouldn’t come at the cost of your comfort, well-being, or self-respect, or you might start losing yourself in the process.
