You Aren’t Owed a Relationship
Some people fight tooth and nail to suggest the “friend zone” is a real place, a barred-off cage they’re forced to spend all their time in instead of enjoying the friendship. They tear out their hair and lose sleep over their feelings, and next thing you know, a perfectly good friendship comes crashing down. It’s time we put the rumors to rest—and explored a few ways to rethink the whole concept.
1. It’s Unrequited Love, Not the “Friend Zone”
What you’re thinking of isn’t the “friend zone,” it’s unrequited love. If they sound similar, it’s because they’re basically the same thing! The problem with the “friend zone” is that it comes with intrinsically negative expectations, which causes all sorts of problems for both parties.
2. It’s a Narcissistic Viewpoint
Like it or not, the “friend zone” is a pretty narcissistic point of view. It’s one thing to have a crush on someone, but it’s another to expect returned interest. It’s also another thing entirely to change your attitude towards someone because of their feelings—or lack thereof.
3. People Don’t Owe Anyone a Relationship
Hey, we’ve all struck out with someone before. But we’re not talking about shooting your shot. We’re talking about the inherent belief that someone should reciprocate your feelings, which is the biggest difference between the “friend zone” and genuine interest. At the end of the day, no one owes anyone anything, least of all a romantic relationship.
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4. The Relationship’s Real Value
Friendships aren’t transactional. While you can’t always fight off developing feelings, you can consider the other person’s feelings from the jump. It’s not unheard of for people to dive into a friendship in the hopes that a budding romance will blossom. Think of how the other person would feel knowing there were ulterior motives!
5. Everyone Has the Right to Choose
The “friend zone” can be harmful to both parties, but especially to the other person. Everyone has the right to choose their partner, and they shouldn’t feel coerced into appeasing someone else. That kind of pressure isn’t fair, even if you didn’t mean to place it on them.
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6. You Do It to Yourself
The sad reality is that people stick themselves in the “friend zone”! If you don’t tell them, your friend has no idea how you feel, which can lead to feelings of resentment. You’re also left to obsess over your feelings, which again, can impact the relationship.
7. The Term is Inherently Harmful
The term doesn’t have to be misogynistic—but more often than not, it is. The whole concept stemmed from the “nice guy” movement, and the newly coined phrase seemed to replace unrequited love as a concept, placing inappropriate pressure on the other side to reciprocate. It’s even worse if someone had intentions from the beginning, but didn’t make them clear.
8. Entitlement Hurts the Relationship
Developing a genuine crush isn’t entitlement. You can’t help how you feel, and now you’re left to figure out whether saying anything would help or hurt. However, walking into a friendship with ulterior motives is completely different. If you had every intention of romancing them, you can hardly expect the other person to figure it out.
9. It Causes Resentment
Regardless of how those feelings developed, the “friend zone” causes all kinds of resentment. The last thing you want is to put yourself in the so-called zone and let negativity fester. If you haven’t confessed your feelings or don’t plan on it, then it’s a little unfair to harbor resentment.
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10. The Term Puts Pressure on Others
“Aw, come on. You’re just going to leave me in the friend zone?” Well, yes. People can’t fight how they feel, and it’s unfair to expect anything else! The term has more negative connotations than unrequited love, and there’s a reason for that: it puts more pressure on the other person.
So, that settles it—the “friend zone” isn’t really a tried and true concept. It’s a silly little thing we made up along the way, and it’s time to retire the notion. With that, it’s time we explored a few ways you can reframe your thinking.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Before you make any final decisions on next steps, evaluate your feelings. What are you hoping to get out of this relationship? Can you still be friends with them if things don’t go your way? Do you want a long-lasting relationship with them? It’s important to sit with your emotions and deal with them in a healthy way so you don’t misconstrue anything.
2. Talk to Someone
With so many podcasts and online “love gurus,” it’s easy to get lost in the weeds. Don’t depend on that kind of advice! Confide in loved ones or speak with a therapist to work through your emotions; they’re complicated, and if you feel a genuine connection with someone, it’s worth airing out your feelings.
3. Let Go of Expectations
You need to accept that things could go awry. Whether it be a confession or you keeping quiet, you don’t know how the other person will react. So, don’t hold onto any expectations. The more you place on them, the more resentment grows, and the more confused the other person will be.
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4. Process Your Emotions in a Healthy Way
We all process differently, but the important thing is to do it healthily. That means no manipulation or pressure. It also means keeping away from dangerous vices. You can always work through your emotions in a good way that keeps you both safe.
5. Evaluate the Friendship
How do you view the friendship? Did you walk into it expecting a relationship? Or did you just happen to develop feelings? If you had ulterior motives, it’s unfair to place pressure on the other person—they thought you were friends! On the other hand, if you developed feelings over time, you need to consider how important they are to you. Can you still be friends if they don’t reciprocate?
6. Don’t Put Them on a Pedestal
With the “friend zone” comes unrealistic expectations, not just for the relationship, but for the other person, too. Placing your friend on a pedestal holds them to a much higher standard, often one that includes some version of “perfection.” No one’s perfect, and holding them to that standard is a ton of pressure.
7. Be Honest With Them
No one can really tell you the best way to handle your situation. After all, you know it better than anyone else. However, you need to make a decision on whether to come clean about your feelings. More importantly, you need to handle any rejection with grace.
8. Put Some Distance Between You and Them
Sometimes, it’s easier to put a little distance between you two as you heal. It doesn’t need to be forever, but some relationships mend with time apart, especially after such a confession. Forcing a friendship isn’t fair to either of you.
9. Communicate Clearly
If you wanted a relationship, communicate that clearly. Being friends for the sole purpose of romantic love isn’t a real connection. The other person may assume you just wanted to be friends, which is why it’s so devastating for them when things suddenly change.
10. Quit Obsessing Over Them
It’s easier said than done, but try not to obsess over every detail. It’s one thing to consider your options, but it’s another to lose sleep over the situation. It’s even worse if you obsess once everything is said and done.
