Do you find it hard to say "no," no matter whether it's to your boss or your friend? When you're a chronic people-pleaser, it can be difficult to live your life without constantly feeling anxious about disappointing others. But why do you have this tendency, and how come it's so hard to break the habit?
As you'll see, there are many reasons why this pattern forms and perpetuates, and it runs far deeper than simple politeness. Here's why you always feel like you're wired to please, and why you just can't seem to switch the mode off.
Childhood Woes
Like most bad habits, we often pick up the people-pleasing trait from our childhoods. You might have learned that the best way to keep your parents or caregivers happy was to do what you were told and react in certain ways that kept them smiling and kind. Saying no, talking back, or standing up for yourself weren't available options, as they often resulted in consequences you'd rather avoid (more on that in the next point).
As you go through those experiences again and again while you're young, your mind becomes stuck. It becomes ingrained in you, a part of your personality. No longer are you your own person; you're merely someone who makes people's lives easier. You learn that you have to put others above yourself, because meeting their needs is more important than fulfilling your own. Stray from that belief, and you risk being rejected or worse—abandoned.
Avoiding Conflicts
Remember how we mentioned that saying no or putting up boundaries could result in consequences? If there's one thing people-pleasers hate, it's conflict. They can't stand it. They would much rather take the blame, be the person responsible, or sacrifice their own comfort and time than be the source of someone's anger or disappointment.
What would you do if your manager moved a deadline for your project, so that it's now due a week earlier than it was? Now, picture the same scenario, but imagine that you're new to your role, and still you have a lot to prove to your seniors. What would you do then? If you're the type to cave and accept the new deadline than ask for an extension, that's just one of the ways people-pleasers try to skirt away from conflict.
The Cost of Wanting to Be Liked
Why do people-pleasers avoid conflict? Simple: because they want to be liked. They don't want to be seen as a disappointment or burden to others, and saying no or drawing boundaries makes it easier for conflicts to arise. That's why they might overpolish their words to higher-ups with excessive thank yous and pleases, despite only ever getting a one-word reply, or why they feel guilty about rescheduling a coffee date with a friend.
But just because people-pleasing is a learned behavior doesn't mean you can't unlearn it. Breaking bad habits takes time, but it's not impossible to rewire those automatic responses. At the root of it is learning how to build healthier relationships with others and setting boundaries with people you don't feel entirely comfortable with. Think about it: how powerful would it feel to finally say “no” and mean it?
