When dealing with new parents, there are a few things that are generally considered rude. Commenting on post-partum weight fluctuations is one; asking about the next baby when the current one is fresh out of the oven is another. Remarks such as these are both tacky and insensitive. Maybe they'll lose the baby weight, maybe they won't; maybe there will be another baby, maybe there won't.
However, there is one thing that new parents wish people would stop doing even more than commenting on weight, making comparisons, and asking after the next baby. The answer may surprise you.
Helping Or Hurting?
You might think you're being helpful by crashing on their couch to help with chores and meals. We understand where you're coming from, especially if you're retired or work remotely. However, moving in with your friends immediately after they've had a baby can cause more harm than good.
For starters, you're one extra mouth to feed. Even if you volunteer to do most of (or all) the cooking, you're still placing an enormous burden on the parents. Not only are you costing them extra money—newborns aren't cheap!—but your presence may make them feel guilty.
Acting as an on-call maid or nanny can make new parents feel like their being undermined, or are incapable of caring for their child on their own. This is especially true for first-time parents who are already stressed out of their minds without having to host a guest. Also, no matter how good your intentions on, you'll end up being underfoot for the parents.
The parents have spent weeks, if not months, preparing for their new arrival. They should have a plan in place, and your presence can throw off carefully-planned schedules. Don't think that you're more qualified to take care of the baby just because you've done so before—it isn't your baby.
Every baby is different, so, it should stand that raising every baby is different. What works for one is not guaranteed to work for another—even within the same family. Just like with baby clothes, there is no one-size-fits-all advice that will magically make the first year of an infant's life a breeze.
Crashing on someone's couch (or, in their guest room if it hasn't been turned into a nursery) sends a message whether you intend it or not. By staying for an extended period of time, you're telling the parents that not only is your service invaluable in raising their child, but also that you know the "right" way to raise the baby. It's a slippery slope from drying dishes to backseat parenting.
Everyone think they know the definitive "right" way to raise a baby—even if they've never done so themselves. As society changes, so too does our understanding of babies. What was good advice a few years ago may already be outdated.
Not-So-Helpful Advice
Oh, and, while we're here, don't ever tell parents to sleep when the baby sleeps. Unless both parent and newborn doze off while contact napping, sleeping while the baby sleeps is wishful thinking at best. Everybody parrots this advice despite it almost never working.
Newborns, and especially their sleep schedules, are fickle things. A newborn nap can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a couple of hours. Add in post-partum insomnia to the fact that babies have a different circadian rhythm than adults, and you have a recipe for disaster.
Should new parents also time their bowel movements to match the baby's? The best thing a new parent can do is sleep when they can, even if it isn't when the baby sleeps.
