10 Reasons The Spark Dies After Kids & How To Keep It Alive
Kids Don't Have To Be The Death Sentence Of Passion
Many things are synonymous with parenting: sleepless nights, financial stress, communication breakdowns, but rarely romance. Having children can stamp out the flame of even the most passionate couples, until it feels like they're nothing more than co-parents. However, all it takes is a little awareness and effort to reignite that fiery connection. Here are 10 reasons love can lose its shine after kids and how to keep the flame burning strong.
1. Exhaustion
Being a new parent is undeniably wearying. Simple exhaustion is often to blame for your spark dying as well as for you or your partner being testy or impatient. Get some rest before determining if it's a bigger problem.
2. Increased Stress
Having kids adds a whole new layer of stress to your life because you're no longer just responsible for yourself. Your workload increases significantly, and you may feel like you're constantly in a rush.
3. Feeling Unappreciated
The amount of energy and labor put into childcare is immense but often invisible. Newborns have constant demands, and for the mother, the physical recovery from childbirth is intense, but often taken for granted. This is why one or both parents can often feel underappreciated, leading to conflict.
4. Shifting Priorities
After kids, couples often become co-parents first, partners second. Romance falls to the wayside, schedules get jammed, and conversations revolve almost entirely around childcare.
5. Lack of Free Time
Being a parent is a full-time job in itself, but most of us have to balance it with another full-time job as well. Unless you purposely allot time for your relationship, you will have no time for each other.
6. Poor Communication
Communication becomes a lot harder when you're tired, stressed out, and have a newborn to care for. Breakdowns are common and can add a lot of tension to the relationship.
7. Physical Changes
Being a parent sometimes means your gym routine falls to the wayside. What's more, pregnancy, childbirth, and aging bodies can create self-image issues, and intimacy naturally declines when you feel less sexy in your own skin.
8. Conflicting Parenting Styles
You may not have realized until you already had a child that you don't see eye-to-eye on various parenting strategies. Fighting over discipline or priorities can cause a lot of conflict, tension, and emotional distance in a relationship.
9. Money Worries
Children are expensive; sometimes even more so than you bargained for. They can add a lot of financial stress to your lives, which turns any hint of passion swiftly into pressure.
10. Too Much Routine
Routine helps things run smoothly; however, it can also dull desire. It can feel like there's no longer any room for spontaneity, like random romantic getaways or surprise gestures.
Now that we've covered why the spark tends to die after becoming parents, let's discuss strategies for reigniting it.
1. Schedule Frequent Date Nights
Make one night of the week "date night," where you set some quality time aside for each other. It's ideal if you can leave your child with a babysitter and get out of the house to break up the monotony, but even when that's not an option, you can plan a romantic date at home after your child is asleep.
2. Don't Neglect Physical Touch
Don't underestimate the power of physical affection. It takes no extra time or effort to squeeze your partner's hand or kiss them before bed, and it's extremely meaningful and effective for keeping the physical spark alive.
3. Flirt With Each Other
It doesn't matter how long you've been together. Sending playful texts, giving a wink, or a compliment will never not be appreciated. Flirting keeps the chemistry alive and reminds you both that you're more than just co-parents.
4. Share The Load
Sometimes re-igniting the spark isn't directly related to romance. If the burden of childcare and housework is falling disproportionately onto one person, it's no wonder they have no energy or desire for intimacy at the end of the day. Re-examine the distribution of labor and see how you can better share the load.
5. Take Care Of Yourself Physically
Many parents let themselves go after childbirth because of a lack of time and a shift in priorities. However, if your partner sees you going to the gym and working on yourself again, it can re-ignite the passion because it demonstrates that you care about your body and you want to be in good shape for them and for yourself.
6. Try Something New Together
Novelty boosts dopamine, the chemical in your brain behind attraction. Something as simple as a dance class or a cooking class can be enough to re-ignite the flame because it feels like a new adventure you're embarking on together.
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7. Get Creative
Get creative with your day to carve out time to spend together. Even if you only have a 20-minute window, use it to go for a walk together, grab a coffee, or simply be one-on-one in whatever way possible.
8. Get Some Rest
Exhaustion is often the number one saboteur of your relationship. First things first: get some rest. You'll be shocked at how it changes your mood and entire outlook on life.
9. Lay Some Ground Rules
It may feel weird as new parents, but setting boundaries with your child can do wonders for your love life. For example, creating "kid-free zones" in your home establishes spaces that are strictly for you and your partner.
10. Be Kind To Each Other
Being snarky, impatient, or underappreciative of one another is a sure way to stamp out your flame. On the flip side, offering your partner help, saying "thank you," and making small, helpful gestures make them feel good and keep your relationship healthy.
