How To Navigate Transition Periods
Going off to college can be stressful for both students and parents. Because college is a time of increasing autonomy for your child, it can be a pivotal moment in your relationship. Not every relationship survives flying the coop, but these are some tips that can help.
1. Don't Micromanage
You should not be calling your child every morning to remind them to go to class, nor should you try to schedule their days for them. For many, college is the first time people have autonomy, and micromanaging from affair can reduce that autonomy.
2. Don't Reach Out To Professors
Not only is reaching out to professors considered tacky, it's also against the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Acts. If you child is struggling or butting heads with a professor, you can offer advice, but other then that, step aside. Exceptions, of course, can be made for serious considerations such as illness.
3. Don't Comment On Weight Fluctuations
The freshman fifteen is more of a punchline than an accepted part of college. Public comments on someone's weight are cruel and tacky any time, but especially if they're the first thing you say to your child after not seeing them. Their weight will likely fluctuate while away from home, let them figure out your body.
4. Don't Visit Too Often
If the college is within whatever you consider driving distance, it's tempting to drop by for an unexpected weekend visit. Frequent visits will make your child feel smothered and stressed trying to accommodate you. It can also throw a wrench in preexisting plans.
5. Don't Track Locations
To be frank, family tracking apps like Life360 are creepy, regardless of the age of your child. If you need to know your child's location every minute of every day to the point where you're calling them to ask why they're not at class, then you should speak to someone about this anxiety.
6. Don't Force Them Into Majors
Let's say your child really wants to be a literature major, but you think it would be a waste of their potential to do anything but Pre-Law or Pre-Med. Forcing them onto a path they don't want to take will only make them miserable. At the end of the day, you should be encouraging their passions rather than smothering them.
7. Don't Guilt Them
Why aren't you calling? Why didn't you do well in this class? Why aren't you eating properly? Chances are that your child is already under an enormous amount of pressure without being constantly badgered. They may also feel guilt about these things, don't give them yours as well.
8. Don't Butt Into Their Relationships
We get it, you want to be a Cool Parent now that you and your child are both adults. Unfortunately, their relationships—platonic or romantic—are their own business. It's fine to be friendly to your child's new friends, but you shouldn't try to wiggle into their friend group.
9. Don't Expect Constant Communication
College is busy, especially the first year. Your child likely has more on their plate than they've ever had, and responding to your texts may be further down on the list than studying. Daily communication is probably unnecessary.
10. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Everyone makes mistakes, and college is a place for making little ones. Something like bombing one test for an elective course or not making a team may feel like the end of the world for you and your child, but that stuff is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.
Now that we've outlined some things to avoid doing, here are 10 healthy ways to cope.
1. Let Them Make Mistakes
Like we said, everyone will make mistakes at college. Making mistakes is how people grow and mature as people, so let small mistakes happen. Don't make mountains out of molehills, and help them learn.
2. Reach Out To Other Parents
If you're experiencing empty nest syndrome, there's a good chance that the parents of your child's high school friends are feeling the same thing. If you're already close to other parents, reach out and offer them support. If not, look for support groups in your area.
AllGo - An App For Plus Size People on Unsplash
3. Schedule Communication Times
Parents and children agree that scheduled communication times are much less stressful than unprompted communication. Scheduling a weekly call around supper, after their final class, or on the weekend is a much better way to connect with them. Also, building a call into their routine should help them remember it.
4. Try New Things
What are you going to do now that your baby is gone? The better question is what aren't you going to do. You have so much free time on your hands! Why not use that time to take up a new hobby, learn a new language, or get into a new series?
5. Make Care Packages
Care packages are appreciated year-round but especially during exam times and those first few months of independence. Care packages are like a long-distance hug. They're a fantastic way to show that you care without being overbearing.
6. Allow Them To Grow
College is a big shift, and it's likely that your child will go through some major changes. Just like with puberty, you need to support them as they forge their own path and figure out the kind of person they want to be. Identity is never a static thing; let them reinvent themselves as many times as they want.
Francesco Gallarotti on Unsplash
7. Help Them Learn From Your Mistakes
We've already talked about how important it is to let them make mistakes, but for simple mistakes—drinking beer before liquor, for example—can be used as equalizers. Your child does not exist to make up for your past mistakes, but you can help them through ones you've already made.
8. Be Gracious
As with anything, grace is one of the most important virtues you can show to another person. Your child is going to get frustrated, they're going to be figuring out who they are, they're probably going to endure diabolical roommate drama. Allow them to vent their feelings and let them know you're there for them.
Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
9. Bond Over New Interests
Your child will likely get into new things when they're offered the opportunity. Maybe it's Dungeons & Dragons, maybe it's medieval literature, maybe it's rugby. Whatever it is, supporting them in their interests and showing a little interest of your own will help them feel seen in their passions.
10. Encourage Them To Use Resources
In college, parents are not the be-all and end-all of resources, but you can still direct you child to help. There are a ton of social and academic resources available for them on campus if they find themselves struggling or confused. Encourage them to reach out and ask for help.
