Love is quite something. Those early months or years, strung together in a careless string of arguments that end in makeups and midnight declarations and promises to fix each other, can feel like a haze. You let things slide that you normally wouldn’t. You overlook the glaring red flags. You sweep arguments under the rug. As time goes on, the limerence wears off. The early rush dissipates, and your relationship becomes something different, something deeper and, often, something more painful.
Every relationship has bad days. Every couple fights. The key to a long and healthy relationship, for the most part, has nothing to do with staying away from these squabbles but everything to do with knowing how to get through them. But what happens when the bad days outnumber the good, or when you consistently find yourself feeling empty rather than energized? When enough is enough, and you ask yourself the hard question: Should you stay or should you go?
When it comes to breakups, there’s only one question you really need to ask. One that can get past the swirl of confusion and guilt and nostalgia.
The Question: Is It Worth It?
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This one is the simplest to say and the hardest one to truthfully answer. You’ve been together for months, maybe years, and all of a sudden a question like this seems so basic. After so much of your time, energy, and love invested, you begin to feel the pull of what many psychologists call the sunk cost fallacy: the idea that because you have already put so much into something, you have to continue going forward to make it “worth it.” But the truth about love is the time you’ve spent with someone isn’t lost time because the relationship ended. Those moments were important, and they made you who you are. Holding on to the best years doesn’t make the pain of the present easier.
Before you jump ship, take a moment and gauge the risk. How long have you been together? How have your lives become woven together, socially, financially, romantically? Do you live together, have kids together, just a favorite takeout spot and Netflix password in common? These things will shift the nature of the conversation, but at its heart, the question is still the same: is what you have together worth the work it takes to make it better?
The Fear of Being Alone
The truth is that a lot of people don’t stay for love. They stay out of fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of starting over. Fear of never finding someone else. And it’s not the fear that’s the problem, it’s what you do with it. Fear is human. If you were abandoned or neglected as a child, you may associate being alone with being rejected or not being good enough. If you have low self-esteem, you may feel like you’re not whole without someone to make you feel that way.
But wanting to be with someone doesn’t have to be a sign of fear. It’s a choice. If you can learn to be at peace when you’re alone, you will no longer choose a relationship out of fear, or desperation, or because someone is “good enough,” but because you genuinely love them and they’re good for you. So, next time you find yourself on the fence about staying or leaving, stop for a moment and ask yourself that one question: is it worth it? Not in the past, not in the future, but right now. Is it worth it?
