Asking for a divorce is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. There won’t be a “good time.” You won’t feel any less intimidated if you practice in the mirror. Most jarring of all, you don’t know how your partner will respond, and there’s no real way to prepare for any potential upset or last-minute bargains.
The truth is, when you know what’s best for you, that knowledge is the driving force behind your strength and calmness—though that doesn’t always make it any easier. But as you prepare to brave the storm, there are a few ways to approach the subject with compassion, for both of you.
Be Honest With Yourself
Before you even think about sitting your partner down, spend some time with yourself. Tackle all the big questions, like why you want this and what next steps look like for you. This decision impacts both of you, so don’t ignore your own well-being trying to preserve theirs.
Be Honest With Them
The best thing you can do is be upfront with them: tell them that you want a divorce and explain why. It sounds harsh, but in moments like these, the biggest kindness is a direct conversation; the longer you pussyfoot around, the harder it will get for both of you.
Don’t Beat Around the Bush
Be thorough with your explanation. This is a massive change, but divorce isn’t a negotiation. You can—and should—discuss any issues, but you also mitigate confusion when you’re prepared; concrete reasons for the decision leave less room for “I told you so’s” or anger.
A lack of communication also breaks down a marriage, and plenty of couples experience that roadblock before the end. The last thing you want is to exacerbate those problems. An honest conversation might reveal similar feelings from your partner, and it’s time you both laid everything on the table.
Avoid Attacking Them—Even Indirectly
You may have known a divorce was coming, but your partner didn’t. They’ll likely be confused, hurt, or even angry, so it’s important to reframe the narrative. For example, let’s say you’ve noticed that you’re on different life paths. Instead of saying, “You don’t want the same things I do,” you can rephrase it to an I-statement: “Lately, I feel like we’re moving down two paths, and I’m not sure our goals for the future are aligned anymore.”
It’s also important to leave past grievances out of it. The best relationships deal with problems head-on instead of letting them fester. However, if you have old qualms, bringing them up now only places blame on your partner. Divorce, like marriage, is a two-way street, so keep the focus on you two as a unit.
Prepare for What’s Next
Divorce is a serious blow to both of you, but it’s especially hurtful if your partner is blindsided. Anticipate their reactions and have arguments prepared in case they try to talk you out of it. Remember: they’re likely dealing with a lot of emotions, and we don’t always say the right thing when we’re brimming with them. They might mention your children. They might discuss finances. Anything from how you split the house to who gets custody over pets can come up; think about potential arguments beforehand.
At the end of the day, there’s no definitive “kind way” of asking for a divorce. It’s going to hurt, and it will take some time before you heal. However, you can walk into it more confidently with the right steps.
