The Friendship Recessions: Adults Are Finding It Harder Than Ever To Make Friends
Remember back in elementary school how easy it was to make friends? All it took was sharing an eraser with someone or snagging the last spot at your table in the lunchroom. Building relationships just seemed to happen through some magical osmosis back then; you didn't have to work too hard at socializing.
You are not alone, though. Experts are even referring to the widespread decrease in socialization as a "friendship recession." While we may be more connected than any other generation via technology, actual face-to-face interactions are at an all-time low. Don't worry; you aren't imagining your empty social calendar. Tons of people are feeling a lack of community these days.
The Structural Shift of Modern Living
The way we organize our daily lives has undergone a radical transformation that inherently discourages the spontaneous encounters necessary for building rapport. Most of us no longer live in tight-knit, walkable communities where you might bump into the same neighbors every single morning at the local coffee shop. Instead, our suburban layouts and long commutes act as physical barriers that isolate us within our own private bubbles. You likely spend more time staring at the bumper of the car in front of you than you do engaging in casual banter with your fellow citizens.
To make matters worse, almost everything we need these days we can buy online or get delivered to our doorstep: groceries, clothing, cars, you name it. There's no need to make small talk with another human being when you can order your life through Alexa. Of course, this creates a void because these minor interactions are called "weak ties" and are one of the foundational steps to any meaningful relationship.
Even the sanctuary of the workplace has changed its role in our social lives due to the widespread adoption of remote and hybrid schedules. While skipping the morning commute is undeniably wonderful for your stress levels, it removes the "water cooler" moments that foster workplace camaraderie. You might find that your interactions with colleagues are now strictly transactional and confined to the rigid rectangles of a video conferencing screen. Without the shared experience of a physical office, the organic evolution from "coworker" to "friend" happens much less frequently than it did for previous generations.
The Exhaustion of the Hustle Culture
Busyness has become a status symbol these days. We live our lives draining ourselves of "downtime," which is exactly how much time you need to make a new friend. You probably need to check your color-coordinated electronic planner weeks in advance to schedule a half-hour lunch with someone special. We've become so scheduled with making our lives "better" that free time can feel like laziness. Genuine intimacy takes time, and most adults feel they don't have time to waste.
This lack of downtime causes most people to operate on "maintenance socialization." All your energy goes into keeping your spouse happy and your parents functioning. You may try to throw your high school friend into the mix each summer because you haven't seen them since graduation. Burnout from managing your everyday life often kicks in before you step foot out of your door, making it hard to be personable.
On top of it all, everyone is trying to sell their best life online 24/7. Let's be real, you don't want to put yourself out there to become friends with someone only to have them see you at your worst. You may fear you aren't cool enough or that your real life won't live up to Instagram Jesus. Before you know it, you talk yourself out of asking that cool coworker if they want to grab a drink. Oftentimes, the fear of rejection paralyzes us more than our desire for companionship.
Rediscovering the Art of Connection
The first step to finding friends as an adult is simply putting yourself out there. You have to be "that person" who asks others if they want to grab dinner, even if it feels weird at first. Find a "third place" like a book club, recreational sports league, or volunteer group that you visit often. Repetition is key, since many relationships begin with familiarity. Continue showing up at the same place week after week so you can become a familiar face to others.
It is also vital to lower your expectations for what every social interaction needs to be in order for it to feel successful. Not every person you meet at a pottery class needs to become your lifelong confidant for the time spent together to be valuable. You can find immense joy in "activity friends" who share a specific interest, even if you don't spend hours discussing your deepest fears and dreams. By diversifying your social portfolio, you take the pressure off any single relationship to provide everything you need emotionally.
