Do You Want Love Or Do You Just Want To Be Picked? Here's How To Understand The Difference
Do You Want Love Or Do You Just Want To Be Picked? Here's How To Understand The Difference
Love and lust can often feel similar. But wanting someone and wanting to be wanted are very different. One feeds your soul, and the other feeds your ego. Learn to recognize the difference between the two, and you will not find yourself in relationships that make you feel hollow. Instead, you will attract relationships that feel complete, grounded, and authentic.
The Illusion of Being "Picked"
When you focus on being chosen, you put a blindfold on yourself for the one question that actually matters in dating: Do I actually want this person in my life? It becomes more about impressing them, keeping them interested, and proving you’re worthy.
It’s not a huge shift in mindset, but it’s a complete one. You start compromising on things that matter. You tell yourself they’ll come around. You stomp out pieces of yourself that feel “too much” or “not enough.” And the worst part? If you do win them over, it still doesn’t feel like love. It feels like winning a game you weren’t even sure you wanted to play in the first place.
Choosing vs. Being Chosen
A healthy relationship does not begin with, “Will you be mine?” It begins with, “You pick me, and I pick you. Consciously, clearly, and continually.”
And that kind of relationship begins with knowing yourself. It begins when you stop thinking, “Why won’t they choose me?” and start thinking, “Am I being seen? Am I being heard? Do I feel respected? Am I being fulfilled?” It begins when you take a breath and notice how you feel, no longer settling for scraps from people who aren’t going to give you a seat at the table.
It also begins with knowing what you want in a relationship and having the courage to turn away from anything that’s not a match. That’s not being “entitled.” It’s being “grown up.” When you know your edges and your values, you can engage in a relationship where both people are choosing, not a game of Mad Libs where one person fills in the blanks while the other just sits there waiting to be chosen.
True Value
A person “chooses” you when they’re lonely, hurting, or in need of comfort. You recognize the signs in how they’re loving when they need you, but a ghost when you need them. Or how you feel adored in the beginning, but anxious and panicked later, because the attachment is unpredictable.
Feeling valued is like finally getting to exhale. It’s reliable and steady, not chaotic. You aren’t scrambling for every drop of love. Being chosen caters to their needs. Being valued honors yours as well.
You may have been in a relationship where everything was about them and their comfort. You were the one who bent your schedule, gave endless patience for their moods, and constantly put your needs on hold. They “chose” you, but only on their terms. Being valued means a person cares about your feelings, texts to check in with you, and puts forth effort, not just when it’s convenient for them.
