When you have eye contact anxiety, you know the dreaded feeling: as soon as someone pulls you in for a conversation, your heart kicks, and—despite knowing you shouldn't—immediately dart your eyes to anywhere else but their face. Why does this simple action seem to come so easily to everyone but you?
Don't worry; you're not alone. Eye contact anxiety often goes hand in hand with social anxiety disorder, and the fear typically stems from a feeling of being closely scrutinized or judged. People who have eye contact anxiety may therefore struggle with maintaining face-to-face communication with others and, in turn, have difficulty forming close relationships.
If this sounds familiar, you might benefit from practicing and building your tolerance until eye contact feels natural to you. Wondering how to start? Read on for five helpful tips that may help you overcome your eye contact anxiety and fear.
The 50/70 Rule
The 50/70 rule says that you should maintain eye contact 50% of the time when you're speaking, and 70% of the time when you're listening. However, if you struggle with maintaining eye contact at all, following this rule is easier said than done.
However, there is a silver lining: this means that you don't need to stare at someone longer than necessary, and you shouldn't feel pressured to maintain eye contact for the entirety of a conversation. Simply meet your partner's gaze, hold it for as long as you can, then naturally glance away before pulling your eyes back to their face and repeat.
The Triangle Technique
If you have trouble holding someone's gaze, the triangle technique might help. Imagine there's a triangle connecting the major features on your partner's face. In professional settings, glance upward and connect the third point at the center of their forehead; in social settings, look downward to their nose.
As you shift your gaze along this imaginary triangle, be sure to do it slowly. Darting too quickly between your partner's eyes and back up or down can look suspicious, and may make them uncomfortable. Sweep through their features gradually, at least long enough for you to determine what their eye color is.
Look Near the Eyes
Christina @ wocintechchat.com M on Unsplash
If you can't meet someone's eyes at all, try looking near them by picking a spot on the upper half of their face. For example, you can look at their brows, forehead, or nose. You can even try focusing on the area between their eyes.
You don't have to keep staring at just one point on their face, either. Switch it up! Try the triangle method by picking other spots to alternate between, even if you still want to avoid meeting their gaze. For example, look at their forehead for a few seconds, then between their brows, then their nose.
Hold for 4-5 Seconds
Even if you find it difficult to make eye contact and can only go as far as looking between their brows, their nose, or their chin, make sure you hold your focus at these spots for a few seconds, or at least 4-5 seconds. The reason for this is that if you glance away too quickly or dart your eyes erratically between different points on their face, it may only make the other person uncomfortable.
So, find a point on your partner's face that you want to keep your gaze on. Let your eyes sit there for longer than a glance, then slide your attention away to another feature or spot on their face. You can even look completely away from their face and at another object in the room before training your eyes back onto them.
Practice in a Mirror
If the above tips still sound too hard to attempt or master, try practicing with yourself in the mirror. Pretend like you're conversing with someone and take mental note of how it looks when you slide your gaze around the major points of their face or how you should maintain eye contact, however brief. You can even ask a friend to help once practicing with your reflection gets too easy.
Eye contact anxiety can seem impossible to overcome, especially when you're shy or feel like you're being scrutinized when meeting someone's gaze, but the key is to practice, practice, practice. Over time, as you continue employing these strategies above, you'll find it easier to connect with others and maintain a comfortable, friendly conversation.
