Love is often easy to get all twisted up about sometimes. While many think of external forces such as other people’s standards, behaviors, expectations, and past emotional baggage as potential stumbling blocks on the way to finding and nurturing a healthy relationship, it’s important not to overlook the fact that sometimes the most destructive relationships are the ones we have with ourselves.
A self-sabotaging love life is when your own expectations, actions, and thoughts get in the way of an open and natural relationship. This may mean placing unrealistic conditions on a relationship, not letting go of the past, or fearing being too open. These are all classic examples of signs you’re sabotaging your love life in some way and are important to be aware of and deal with if you’re to start on a path to building better, healthier relationships.
What it Looks Like
Relationship self-sabotage is when you put unnecessary obstacles or limitations on a romantic partnership. One example is setting arbitrary or overly high standards for a partner. It's normal to have preferences, but if you refuse to date anyone who isn't a specific size, makes a certain income, or has a certain job or lifestyle, you're severely limiting your dating pool.
Self-sabotage also shows up when a person leaves a happy relationship because it doesn't conform to a perfect idea of how love "should" be. In such cases, the issue is never the partner but rather your own beliefs or expectations.
Letting the Past Go
Past wounds and trust issues from former partners can lead to subconscious self-sabotage. We often assume the worst will happen based on history. This creates emotional barriers that prevent intimacy with someone new. Healing from past hurts is important before jumping into a new relationship. This can be done through journaling, therapy, or talking to a trusted friend.
Sharing concerns with your current partner (without overloading them) can also build trust. Remember that your new partner is an individual, not a stand-in for past pain. Treating them as such will allow authentic connection rather than a repeat of old patterns.
All or Nothing
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Perfectionism is another example of self-sabotage. Having an “all or nothing” attitude, for example, can be self-sabotaging. You set the bar unrealistically high by expecting your partner to check all the boxes on your exhaustive list of must-haves, someone who is emotionally available, ambitious, has a pleasing appearance, shares your interests, comes from a similar background, has a compatible lifestyle, and so on.
Standards are good up to a point, but being inflexible and overly critical will leave you feeling empty-handed and doomed to be alone, always on the hunt for the “perfect” person, who does not exist. A good way to combat this perfectionism is to adjust your expectations and focus on what’s truly important. You don’t need a perfect person, just a “good enough” one. If the person you are with accepts you, loves you for who you are, and prioritizes the things that are most important to you, then he or she is good enough.
Good enough is good enough. You may then be in a position to develop a deep and meaningful connection. Is your dealbreaker list really about finding the right match for you, or is it a convenient defense against getting close to someone?
