What is the friendship code on dating your BFF's ex? Is it fine if they broke up mutually and on good terms? Is it okay once a certain amount of time has passed? Is it never acceptable? As much as you want to stay loyal, your feelings don’t always follow what's considered right, meaning you might meet a friend's ex with no intention of getting involved with them—only to realize much later that your interest has become romantic. Still, deciding to pursue that attraction can have consequences. Dear consequences.
As tempting as it might be, you should ask yourself: What will you gain and what will you lose? Sure, your friend's ex could be the love of your life, but they could also be a fling you never think about again, and now you've also lost a really good friend. Friendships depend heavily on trust, loyalty, and support, and more than that, a respect for personal boundaries. Are you sure you want to pursue someone your friend once loved?
You Could Seriously Damage Your Friendship
It goes without saying that if you date your best friend's ex, you can pretty much kiss the friendship goodbye. Even if they tell you that they have no lingering feelings, that doesn’t necessarily mean your actions won’t hurt them. Romantic breakups can leave complicated feelings behind, and people don’t always recognize how uncomfortable a situation will feel until it actually happens. Seeing an ex with a stranger is one thing; seeing that person with a trusted friend can hurt 10 times over.
Friendships also come with unwritten expectations that vary from one relationship to another. Put yourself in their shoes: would you be okay if it happened to you? Though it might not seem like a big deal to you, and you'd happily give your blessings to friends who date your exes, there's likely still a lingering sense of betrayal and bitterness that you'll feel, effects that they, too, will feel. It's no surprise that cozying up with a friend’s former partner can be interpreted as crossing a pretty major line.
The problem becomes even more complicated when your friend previously shared private details about the relationship with you. You may already know why they fought, what their ex did that annoyed them, or painful details surrounding the breakup. Once you start dating that person, your perspective can change, and that alone can severely damage your friendship.
Their Romantic History Can Follow You
Knowing those details can also cause rifts. Think about it: not only do you know about all the conflicts your friend had with this ex, you probably witnessed parts of their relationship firsthand as well, and may even remember occasions when they appeared very happy together. With all of this in mind, you're essentially going into the relationship while these memories follow you, which can affect how you interpret things.
That familiarity can encourage unwanted comparisons. You might wonder whether your partner took your friend to the same restaurants, used the same affectionate language, bought similar gifts, or cared for them the way they do you. The more you think about it, you may rouse feelings of jealousy, which can hurt your friendship further if it's not already broken.
Your friend’s feelings can complicate matters further. They may tell you they've moved on, but the truth can be more complicated than that. Every breakup is different, of course, so you shouldn’t assume either person still has feelings, but the point is that past romantic relationships will still carry emotional baggage, and that can end up affecting everyone.
Your Social Circle Can Get Complicated
Let's say your friend is okay with it. But what about your other friends? What about their friends, their family? Would they be okay with you dating their then-partner, while still calling yourself a friend? You can probably see how this situation can quickly escalate into a group issue. Mutual friends may know details about the breakup, feel protective of your friend, or even choose sides. Suddenly, invitations and casual gatherings will require significantly more thought.
Your new partner, too, may also feel caught in the middle, tugged one way or the other. They could encounter mutual acquaintances who still associate them with the previous relationship, only to be shocked by this new predicament. Over time, all that constant tension and badmouthing may influence their emotions as well, and may force them to reconsider their decisions. You may therefore find yourself in a situation where you lose both your friend and the partner.
All of this goes to show that you should always ask yourself what you’re risking before deciding whether certain attractions are worth pursuing. There are situations in which former partners separate amicably, years have passed, and a friend sincerely has no objection, but human relationships are too varied for you to assume that everyone thinks or feels the same way. If you can't think of ever letting your friendship go, it's wiser to choose your friend and not the potential romantic spark.
