Monogamous relationships have long been the default, but studies suggest that's changing. In recent years, there has been a surge of interest in consensual nonmonogamy, also called ethical nonmonogamy, as more people are questioning whether their emotional needs, values, and long-term goals are really being met by the standard blueprint.
It's estimated that more than five percent of American couples actively engage in some form of nonmonogamy, and that one-fifth of the population has engaged in it at some point in their lives. While it can be deeply fulfilling for some, even strengthening their bond with their primary partner, it's definitely not for everyone. Are you wondering if nonmonogamy is right for you? Here are some things to ponder before jumping in.
How are your current relationship skills?
At its core, nonmonogamy requires exceptional communication skills. When you're in a monogamous relationship, boundaries are assumed, but with nonmonogamy, you have to discuss all different scenarios, establish rules, and define comfort zones. That's why the strongest candidates for nonmonogamy are couples who already communicate well, trust each other deeply, and feel secure in their bond.
If you struggle to voice your needs, avoid conflict, don't trust your partner, or tend to repress uncomfortable emotions, stepping into nonmonogamy might just amplify those challenges. On the other hand, if you can communicate clearly, stay emotionally present, and listen to your partner's needs, opening up your relationship may actually strengthen your relationship.
Values and identity
Before diving into nonmonogamy, ask yourselves why you're interested in it. The reasoning should be rooted in a desire for autonomy, self-growth, and exploration; you should not be trying to use it as a last-ditch effort to save a failing relationship. The desire for nonmonogamy should also be equally shared by all involved. You and your partner should have compatible goals and be able to set clear boundaries.
"If one partner badgers the other one into an agreement that isn't equitable, isn't fair, doesn't feel comfortable, is not sustainable, then it's a booby trap," Eli Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families, told Fatherly. They're setting themselves up for difficulties in the future.”
Who shouldn't be considering it?
While nonmonogamous people can feel jealousy like anyone else, they learn how to unpack it, understand its roots, and manage it constructively. However, if you're someone who struggles with trust or whose jealousy triggers panic, insecurity, or possessiveness, nonmonogamy may not be right for you.
If someone tends to shut down, engage in passive-aggressive behavior, or avoid conflict, the emotional complexity of nonmonogamy can quickly become overwhelming. It requires significantly more communication for it to work well.
Many people value intimacy with one person as a unique, exclusive bond. If this is you, nonmonogamy may just end up feeling like a betrayal. That being said, there's a difference between genuinely feeling this way about having only one partner and feeling nonmonogamy is wrong just because that's the mainstream narrative that's been pushed on you your whole life. It's important to determine which one it is for you.
Nonmonogamy isn't a trend or a test: it's a relationship structure that works beautifully for some, and disasterously for others. When deciding if it's right for you, asking yourself hard questions, being honest about your needs, and understanding your emotional patterns will help.
