When Trying Hard Backfires
Making a good first impression takes some thought, especially when dating. Men spend time choosing the right profile pictures, figuring out what to say, and trying to come across as confident without overdoing it. The trouble is that some of the things they think will impress women can have the opposite effect. Others depend on the person, the setting, and how they're delivered. Here are 20 moves men think are attractive that women don't always see the same way.
1. Playing Hard to Get
Holding back can add a little mystery, and people who play hard to get are often rated as more desirable at first. The move fails when it looks like disinterest or arrogance. Going quiet for days to seem busy can leave a man looking like he doesn't care, and a woman with other options may take the hint.
2. Talking Without Asking Follow-Up Questions
Speed daters who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to land a second date in 2017 research on live conversations. People in that research didn't expect questions to raise liking, and filling a first date with your own stories is a common instinct. A question about something she just said shows he was listening, which most people notice and remember.
Matheus Câmara da Silva on Unsplash
3. Posting Shirtless Profile Photos
A shirtless photo might show off a good physique, but it can also come across as an attempt to get attention. In one study, college women rated a shirtless dating profile as less competent and more prone to risky behavior than other versions of the same man's profile.
4. Giving Backhanded Compliments
A compliment followed by a subtle insult might seem like playful teasing, but it often comes across as rude. Some men use this approach, known as negging, to appear confident or make themselves seem harder to impress. The problem is that the insult tends to stick more than the compliment.
5. Leaving a Phone on the Table
A phone sitting out can leave a conversation feeling less close, even when nobody touches it. Checking the screen between sentences signals divided attention, and she can tell. A phone left in a pocket leaves the conversation more room.
6. Bragging to Seem Confident
Talking up his job and his connections can make a strong first impression and a weaker one by the third meeting. People who talk themselves up usually seem confident and entertaining early on, and the boasting wears thin as others get to know them. Accomplishments that come up through friends tend to earn him more credit.
7. Sending an Essay as a First Message
A first message the length of a cover letter usually goes unanswered. Reply rates fall as messages get longer, and a couple of lines about something in her profile make it easy for her to answer. The life story can wait for the second date.
8. Opening with a Flippant Pickup Line
Cheesy lines work better as a joke between friends than as an opener with a stranger. In a small study women picturing a long-term partner preferred direct compliments to flippant lines, in part because the lines seemed less trustworthy. A friendly hello and a real question go over better.
9. Buying Flashy Upgrades for a Car
Custom paint and a premium sound system can signal a man who wants to be noticed. People asked to compare a flashy car buyer with a practical one have judged the flashy buyer more interested in brief relationships. The practical buyer looks like better partner material.
10. Humblebragging
Complaining about how exhausting it is to be so busy and successful lands worse than announcing the news outright. Humblebraggers have been judged less sincere and less likable than people who just complain or brag. Saying the good news plainly is the easier route.
11. Holding Eye Contact Too Long
Eye contact feels warm for a few seconds and then starts to feel like staring. A steady gaze across a table or a bar can feel intense to someone who hasn't decided how she feels yet. Looking away to think or to glance around the room lets her relax.
12. Using Aggressive Humor
Teasing that works among old friends can sound hostile to a near stranger. Women evaluating potential partners have scored aggressive humor lower than other humor styles. A joke about the shared situation, such as a slow waiter or a loud table nearby, lets her laugh along without feeling like the target.
13. Texting at the Wrong Time After a First Date
A text the next morning tends to land best after a first date. An immediate message can look needy to some women, and a two-day silence cools the chemistry. People in one survey put the ideal wait at about six hours, which leaves room to reply after work or over lunch.
14. Criticizing Other People to Look Better
Running down an ex or a rival says as much about the speaker as about the person described. Listeners readily attach the traits a speaker names in other people to the speaker. A date who hears a long list of an ex's flaws may start wondering what the ex would say about him.
15. Mistaking a Hesitant No for Interest
A polite or hesitant no is still a no. Saying it is typically more uncomfortable for her than the man asking realizes, and a second ask adds to that discomfort. Accepting the answer right away leaves room for friendliness later.
16. Adding Inches to a Profile Height
Many people shade the truth a little on dating profiles, and height is a common spot for men to do it. The extra inches show up the first time the two of them stand side by side. One small exaggeration can make her start checking the rest of the profile.
17. Sending Unsolicited Explicit Photos
In a 2020 survey of more than 2,000 women, half said unsolicited explicit photos left them grossed out, and about a quarter reported a positive reaction. Men who send them mostly hope for a similar photo or a date in return. That outcome appears to be rare.
18. Writing a Sparse Dating Profile
A profile with two photos and a one-line bio looks like low effort. Sparse profiles tend to seem guarded or uninterested in anything serious, and very long ones can overwhelm. A few specific details about weekends and favorite places give her an easy place to start the conversation.
19. Applying Extra Cologne
The nose adapts to an odor it meets all day, and a man can stop noticing his own cologne well before the people around him do. Reapplying because he can't smell it anymore can pile more scent onto a fragrance that others still notice. A single application in the morning is usually enough for dinner that night.
20. Complimenting Her Looks at Work
Complimenting a woman's appearance at work might seem harmless, but it can make her feel like her looks are being judged instead of her abilities. Even when the intention is friendly, comments about attractiveness can feel out of place in a professional setting. Recognizing her ideas, skills, or accomplishments is a better way to show appreciation without making things uncomfortable.
