Please Stop These Habits
It seems people are lonelier and single than ever before, and relationships seem to be falling apart with just a little nudge. Lots of couples therapists are reporting the same problems over and over again, and people must break these habits sooner rather than later. Do you see any of these dangerous habits in your relationship?
1. Low Effort Dates
Lots of people forget to keep dating each other when they’re in a relationship. Maybe you even planned to go out to dinner or see a movie but then decided to just ditch that idea and stay in and order takeout. That’s fine once in a while but repeatedly choosing comfort instead of an actual date can lead to bad habits, a familiar routine, and taking each other for granted. Sometimes you need that extra effort to keep the spark alive.
2. You Doubt Them
Trust, when broken, can be the hardest thing to repair in a relationship. But without that basic trust, a relationship doesn’t work. Don’t doubt your partner when they say they will do certain things. If they have given you reason to doubt them, address that, but then don’t continue a relationship unless you can trust them again, as suspicion and micromanaging will only break you up in the long run.
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3. Venting to Friends
Venting to friends is absolutely normal, even when it comes to relationship issues. You might be feeling upset in the moment and want a sympathetic ear to hear you out. While that’s perfectly fine, it’s also important to talk to your partner. Don’t let the venting replace actual conversations, as you won’t get to the root of the problem without those hard conversations.
4. Hiding Behind Humor
Humor is a super important trait to many people, as it can deepen intimacy and make interactions feel positive. However, humor can also become a coping mechanism or an excuse to avoid important talks. Just look at Chandler Bing from Friends: sure, jokes help lighten the mood, but they can also be used to dodge relationship problems that are worth discussing.
5. Talking Behind Their Back
While venting to friends about your problems is a normal part of your life, it’s important to let your partner in the loop. After you simmer down, let them know you talked things out with a friend. Otherwise, it can get back to them later and make them feel as if you said bad things behind their back.
6. Forgetting Spontaneity
You may feel like you’ve already won when it comes to relationships. You have a partner who loves you, so there’s no need to do any more and be spontaneous. However, it’s these little moments of novelty and fun that can bring you closer together. Enjoy the cozy moments, but don’t let your romance get boring.
7. Keeping Score
Building a relationship on scorekeeping and mutual favors can only get you so far. While it’s nice to bring in balance by tracking chores or ensuring reciprocation, a full-blown scorecard can build resentment. All keeping score does is make you both feel like losers, with one wondering why they bother trying, and the other one feeling shortchanged.
8. Avoiding Deep Discussion
Sometimes it’s easier to bury your head in the sand and ignore the problem points in a relationship. You might dismiss them as too small to worry about, but these little things can add up. If they do start to add up, it’s important to face the deep and messy moments together, as that is what strengthens relationships.
9. Choosing For Them
It’s fine to choose a coffee order for your partner when you’re going on a surprise run, or picking a TV show to watch that you think they’ll like. However, ask them what they want whenever you get the chance. While it’s nice to predict their quirks, you don’t want to assume their behaviors, as that may make them feel like their opinions don’t matter. Plus, people change!
10. Taking All the Responsibility
Relationships are partnerships, and at their core, they’re about sharing the load and easing the burden. However, lots of relationships can fall into one person taking on the brunt of responsibilities. If one partner is planning all the trips, doing the chores, or managing your shared lives, this can lead to resentment and degrade the quality of your relationship. Plus, they may start to hate spending time with you.
11. Too Much Technology
Technology is supposed to be our friend, and it’s all about making life easier and giving up more time for one another. But a lot of people fall into the habit of overusing technology. In fact, lots of couples are now complaining about their partner never putting their phone down or ignoring them for their tech. Enjoy tech and all your other hobbies, too, but just be sure to make some time for your partner as well. All things in moderation.
12. Constructive Criticism
In your head, you might be trying to help your partner improve by pinpointing their shortcomings. But all they’re hearing is blame and annoyance. Lots of therapists recommend being careful about how you phrase things and using “I” statements to take the blame away from your partner.
13. Overscheduling
It’s important to have downtime, especially when you’re in a relationship. Most couples flourish when they feel they have time for each other. That means be careful not to overburden yourself with hobbies, work, and activities, leaving you no time to spend with your partner.
14. Stonewalling
When stonewalling happens in a relationship, it could be the beginning of the end. This essentially means a partner becomes so angry that they shut down and stop communicating. When you stop communication, that can lead to resentment, eroded trust, and contribute to worsening resentment.
15. Solo Stress
Some partners may feel like they’re making big sacrifices by keeping all their stress to themselves and sparing their significant other from the shared burden. However, internal stress always ends up manifesting, whether it’s an irritable attitude or isolation. Your partner may feel shunned or like you’re keeping them out of your life.
16. TV Before Bed
When it comes to technology overuse, a lot of therapists are seeing people complain about TV-watching habits. Many partners say the other spends all their time watching TV before bed, instead of spending it with them or engaging in intimacy. Be sure to occasionally unplug, especially near the end of the day, and check in with your person.
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17. The Mind Reader
By now, many people know their partners aren’t mind readers, but some of us still subconsciously expect this. We love the idea of being known so innately by our romantic partner, but the truth is, sometimes they need clear instruction or communication. Just because they can’t read your mind doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
18. Constant Interruptions
Some partners may know exactly what it feels like to have a conversation or argument with someone, only to be constantly interrupted. It’s infuriating and can lead your partner to associate communicating with you as a negative. It’s important to instead let your partner finish their thoughts so they don’t feel irrelevant.
19. Being Right
So many couples complain about how, when they have arguments, one of them has this innate need to be right. They need to win in arguments, which prevents them from realizing that arguments don’t have winners and losers. For these couples, it’s all about understanding unity and attacking the problem together, not attacking one another.
20. They Lose Themselves
Sometimes, the relationship in itself can be the problem. Lots of couples tend to lose themselves in their relationship, forgetting their own sense of self-identity. This means giving up friends, hobbies, or side projects. It’s important to love your partner and be there for them but also find balance and incorporate your own identity as well.
