10 Signs You Have An Avoidant Attachment Style & 10 Ways To Manage It
Do You Have An Avoidant Attachment Style?
Do you have difficulties with trust, commitment, vulnerability, and emotional expression? These are just some signs you may have an avoidant attachment style. Some studies suggest that 20 to 25 percent of adults struggle with this attachment style. While you're perfectly capable of having a long-term, committed, and healthy relationship, it may take a little bit more work for you to get there than other people. Identifying your problem, getting to the root of it, and identifying coping mechanisms are great places to start. Here are 10 signs you have an avoidant attachment style and how to manage it.
1. You Minimize Relationship Problems
One of the key features of an avoidant attachment style is the tendency to steer clear of conflict. To do this you'll downplay problems in your relationship to avoid having to address them but instead, they just never get resolved.
2. You Fear Commitment
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you shy away from commitment because it triggers deeply engrained fears related to vulnerability and rejection. These feelings usually stem from childhood experiences often from inconsistent or unresponsive caregivers.
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3. You Prioritize Your Independence
Independence is a positive attribute, but not when you prioritize it over everything else. When this is the case, you're afraid to ask for help, relinquish control, feel safe, or able to trust even those you love.
4. You Struggle With Intimacy
As a person with an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle with intimacy because it makes you feel vulnerable and suffocated. While you might be used to going through the motions because it's "normal" and expected in your relationship, there may always be an emotional barrier preventing you from feeling fully comfortable with physical affection.
5. You Tend To Avoid Conflict
Most of us avoid conflict to some degree as it's unpleasant. However, a person with an avoidant attachment style will avoid it to such a degree that they won't address issues or will eschew difficult conversations.
6. You Exhibit Push-Pull Behavior In Relationships
As a person with an avoidant attachment style, your internal conflict between your natural need for connection and your learned fear of intimacy might exhibit itself in push-pull behavior in your relationships. Part of you craves closeness with your partner while the other feels threatened by it.
7. You Have A Fear Of Abandonment
In opposition to their fiercely independent appearance, people with avoidant attachment styles often harbor deep-seated fears of abandonment. This is often connected to their childhood experiences which made them believe that others are unreliable and will eventually leave.
8. You Fear Rejection
Your fear of rejection can manifest itself in many ways including being a people pleaser, self-sabotaging, and hiding your true self. A lot of the unhealthy behaviors you exhibit boil down to this fear of rejection which you developed from early childhood experiences.
9. You Suppress Intense Emotions
People who have an avoidant attachment style tend to be emotionally distant and suppress any intense feelings they might have. These feelings make them feel vulnerable which is scary, so not showing them is like a protective mechanism.
10. You Find It Hard To Trust People
If your emotional needs were inconsistently met as a child, you may find it hard to trust people later in life for fear of being abandoned. This drives you to become self-reliant at a young age, but also to push people away and struggle with deep connections.
Now that we've covered some of the main characteristics indicating an avoidant attachment style, let's talk about how to deal with it.
1. Recognize It
The first step to managing your avoidant attachment style is to acknowledge it. Only then can you learn how to deal with your triggers and change your behaviors?
2. Challenge Your Inner Critic
When you have an avoidant attachment style, you may be overly self-critical. Try to challenge your inner critic by breaking up those harsh negative thoughts with words of compassion. Over time, it will build self-worth and stop the self-sabotage.
3. Increase Your Self-Awareness
Increasing your self-awareness is key to tackling your avoidant attachment style because it helps you recognize the subconscious ways you push others away or disconnect emotionally. Increased self-awareness helps you learn to sit with your discomfort, not run away from it.
4. Practice Intimacy Building Exercises
Intimacy-building exercises, although often uncomfortable at first, can help you deepen your emotional connection with your partner and develop trust. There are several exercises you can try, including answering a series of personal questions, silent eye contact, and taking turns sharing things you appreciate about your partner.
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5. Find Your Triggers
To learn how to manage them, you must first identify your triggers. If ever you feel irritated, anxious, emotionally numb, or an urge to escape, pause and ask yourself, "What just happened?"
6. Journal
Use a journal to regularly reflect and write about your feelings. Not only does it boost self-awareness, but it can provide significant insights into your relationship patterns and triggers, helping you come up with the best coping mechanisms.
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7. Try Therapy
Doing some sessions with a therapist can help you uncover the root of your problem and process your trauma. Your therapist may administer trauma-focused therapies and provide a secure base from which you can grow.
8. Use Self-Soothing Techniques
A self-soothing technique is any healthy coping strategy that helps calm you down. Breathwork, listening to calming sounds, physical activity, and creative expression are some popular methods. Find what works for you and employ it whenever you start to feel negative emotions.
9. Practice Expressing Emotions
A person with an avoidant attachment style is usually not the most emotionally intelligent and expressive when it comes to their inner thoughts and feelings. Practice with the person you feel safest with and start small by noticing mild emotions. Share when you feel tired, pleased, or peaceful, and work up from there.
10. Use "I" Statements
As an avoidant person, you may be used to blaming others. Using "I" statements helps combat this, encouraging emotional ownership, and self-expression.
