If you've been involved in any discussion about love languages in the past decade or so, you've probably heard the term "love languages" thrown around. In fact, you're probably able to name most of them if not all five. Go on, try and list them, and come back to this article; we'll wait for you.
Still there? Have your list of love languages? Well, then let's see how you did.
The Five Love Languages Are...
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Gifts
- Acts Of Service
- Physical Touch
These five principles were first developed by Baptist pastor and marriage counselor Gary Chapman in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chapman's book was a runaway success, selling over 12 million copies in 50 languages. Following his initial success, Chapman published a further four books, focusing on children, military families, workplace relationships, and singles.
The Popularity Of Love Languages
Kira auf der Heide on Unsplash
If you look up the words "love language" on any social media platform, you'll be bombarded with content about partners matching each others' love languages and quizzes to determine which love language is yours. Like zodiac signs and "invisible string" theory, Chapman's love language are just one of many ways people used to evaluate and understand their relationships.
On the surface, these love languages seem like a no-brainer. Of course some people express love with gifts while others prefer grand gestures. Of course compatibility between partners can lead to a stronger relationship.
However, the truth behind Chapman's theory isn't so cut-and-dry.
Since Chapman's book was first release, discord has been bubbling underneath the surface about whether or not love languages have any legs to stand on. Some people question whether the concept isn't rooted in Christian propaganda about women submitting to their husbands (after all, the word "mate" was used in the original title). Others wonder whether five is too limiting, and if there could be as many types of love languages as there are types of relationships.
Researchers from York University and the University of Toronto questioned the veracity of Chapman's logic in a 2024 study about pop psychology. They deduced that, like enneagram and Myers-Briggs personality test, that there is little-to-no scientific basis for love languages. Their research challenged the book's three central assumptions.
No Scientific Basis
Anastasiya Lobanovskaya on Pexels
First up was the thesis statement that every person on earth has one preferred long language with with they express affection. When participants in the study were asked to rank love languages, they had difficulty choosing one over the others. Most people express love in several different ways, so it makes sense that they would connect with several different love languages.
Secondly was the assumption that there are only five love languages. Put into practice, love does not speak one language, or even five languages. Things like managing conflict or supporting your partner's personal growth are conspicuously absent in Chapman's original study.
Just like people and relationships change, needs change too. The basis for a steady relationship is not one but many love languages, used to support one another on your personal journey. Chapman's advice was implicitly aimed at white, Christian heterosexual couples with "traditional" values; as we move away from a singular definition of what a relationship is, cracks begin to appear in Chapman's theory.
Finally is Chapman's assertion that couples with corresponding love languages are almost automatically a good match. In 2017, a study was published examining evidence of love languages within Chapman's preferred audience: 67 heterosexual and monogamous couples. There was no evidence that sharing a love language led to more satisfaction in relationships.
So, if love languages are bogus, why are people so obsessed with them? The simple answer is that we love to sort things into categories, both ourselves and others. We want to believe that there is one universal code that will unlock the perfect relationship, even when there isn't.
