Who doesn’t love spending time with their loved ones during the holidays? It’s part of what Christmas is all about; you exchange gifts, you swap stories, and you all curl in front of the mantle to watch the fireplace and share hot chocolate—in a perfect world.
In the real world, spending time with your family can lead to all kinds of hurdles. Not everyone has a good time when they return home, and some even have an even worse time visiting their in-laws. So, how do you survive the chaos this year and ensure your holiday isn’t completely ruined? Well, we have a few hidden tricks that help you save face and keep the peace around the dinner table.
Talk Things Out Beforehand
One of the biggest issues couples face is miscommunication. It’s a year-round problem when you aren’t vulnerable with each other, and the damage caused is only exacerbated with in-laws. ‘Tis the season to work on your communication skills, talking things out before you even pack yourselves into the car.
If your in-laws say things that hurt your feelings, let your partner know. Tell them where your lines in the sand are, too. Express yourself in a calm, collected manner that avoids placing blame and instead focuses on a concrete path forward. Real partners listen to your concerns and take actionable steps to avoid any upset. If you’re in a solid relationship, they’ve likely already noticed your triggers and would initiate a conversation about them anyway!
It’s also good to recruit your partner as a knight in shining armor. For example, it’s not always easy to tell your father-in-law that his jokes upset you, or your mother-in-law that she nitpicks the cleanliness of your house. Sometimes, it’s easier to break the news as an immediate family member. Again, true partners sense your discomfort and don’t want you to feel like the black sheep during Christmas, so they’ll be happy to help.
Keep Certain Topics Off the Table
Try as you may, you can’t always sidestep a conversation about politics—or Uncle Dale’s latest lawnmower. As annoying as it is, it’s more important to protect your peace than it is to engage. The reality is that some people don’t really want a conversation; they just want to talk at you. If that’s the case, it’s better to brace yourself for any incoming topics.
That being said, there’s also nothing wrong with setting boundaries. If you don’t want to talk about something, tell them. If certain “jokes” hurt your feelings, express that to them. And you don’t need to be rude about it; simply redirecting the conversation is often more than enough to pivot any uncomfortable discussions. Should they overstep your boundaries, that’s something to mention to your partner later.
Never forget your exit strategy, either! Oftentimes, we feel bound to our in-laws and forget that we can walk away should things get too heated. Before your visit, think of a few ways you can graciously leave a conversation or even a room. Remember: this is your holiday, too, and it’s unfair to stick yourself in the crossfire when all that does is ruin your vacation.
Be Realistic
We’d all love to have a Brady Bunch relationship with our in-laws, but that’s just not in the cards. The higher you set your expectations, the worse you’ll feel when you fall. Your MIL isn’t going to apologize for all the nasty things she’s ever said. Your brother-in-law is still obsessed with snakes. Protect your mental health and set realistic expectations.
At the end of the day, the only emotions we can control are our own. That means curbing your sneers in the face of discomfort. We understand the need to stick up for your beliefs, but holding realistic expectations also reminds you that people won’t change overnight. Having an in-depth discussion about touchy subjects likely won’t result in anything other than palpable tension.
There’s also no shame in excusing yourself for a small mental break. The bathroom is your sanctuary! So is the front porch for a little fresh air. You can even maintain perfect houseguest manners by offering to do the dishes. Scooting away for a few minutes of alone time can reset your batteries, so don’t ignore the power of self-care. (Depending on the size of the gathering, people probably won’t even notice.)
It isn’t always easy to visit your in-laws over the holidays. What starts as a courteous dinner can quickly degenerate into thrown bread rolls and less-than-savory insults—but it doesn’t need to be that way. Do yourself a favor and reclaim control of the situation. Stand firm in your boundaries without raising your voice, take breaks when needed, and keep your partner informed. This year, let’s try to survive into the new year!
