Why We Want People Who Confuse Us, According To Psychologists
Attraction and logic are rarely intertwined. Almost every human has experienced that inexplicable draw to someone unpredictable, inconsistent, or downright confusing. Instead of recognizing the red flags and running in the opposite direction, we lean in, finding ourselves captivated, or even a little obsessed.
According to psychologists, this magnetic pull toward emotionally complex or ambiguous people isn’t random at all. It’s rooted in deep-seated psychological patterns, biological responses, and the way our brains interpret uncertainty in relationships.
Childhood connection
This strange pull often stems from childhood. If you were inconsistently loved growing up, the confusion this person gives you feels familiar, and "familiarity breeds liking." It makes us feel safe because the unpredictability feels oddly predictable. It's comforting—intoxicating, even—because it mimics what you experienced in childhood, even if it's ultimately unhealthy and painful.
The link to attachment styles
People with anxious attachment styles tend to be more drawn to confusing partners because of their need to replicate familiar emotional patterns. Meanwhile, people with avoidant attachment prioritize independence and may feel overwhelmed by too much closeness.
As a result, they may unconsciously choose to be confusing because it allows them to maintain emotional distance. The more they pull away, the more their partner with anxious attachment craves intimacy. The dynamic between these two attachment styles is common.
The effect on the brain
This "hot and cold" behavior also triggers our brain's reward system. When someone is warm one moment and distant the next, we don’t receive steady reinforcement; we get intermittent reinforcement. The unpredictability spikes dopamine levels, making our brain crave the next “high” of attention, affection, or validation. This is why these types of relationships feel so intense and passionate.
The puzzle
There’s also the allure of emotional challenges. Humans evolved to enjoy solving puzzles, and confusing people can feel like a mystery we’re desperate to decode. If someone is hard to read or only opens up in small, rare moments, we may start seeing their emotional complexity as something special or even profound.
This is especially true for people who derive validation from being the one who can “fix” or “understand” someone others can't. The harder the challenge, the more meaningful the connection feels. It's easy to mistake this conquest for love because it's so heavily romanticised in society.
The fire of ambiguity
Finally, there’s the fact that certainty can feel boring, especially in the early stages of attraction. Predictability doesn’t activate the brain’s novelty-seeking pathways the way emotional ambiguity does. A person who keeps us on our toes can feel more exciting, intense, and memorable, even if that intensity is anxiety disguised as chemistry.
Wanting someone who confuses us isn’t a sign that we’re irrational—it's a natural adaptation informed by our early childhood experiences and chemical reactions in our brains. However, it's important to remember, while confusion can spark attraction, it rarely sustains healthy, long-term relationships.
Once we understand the psychology behind the pull, we can start to see through the mirage and distinguish between relationships that challenge us and those that destabilize us. Ultimately, this understanding helps us to avoid falling into toxic traps and choose partners who are both stimulating and emotionally stable.
