All I Want For Christmas Is Tunes
Ask anyone who's ever worked in retail what the worst Christmas song is and you'll get an itemized list. Heck, ask anyone who's been outside since mid-November, as the Christmas Creep comes earlier every year! Luckily, there are plenty of excellent Christmas songs to balance out the schmaltz.
1. The Chipmunk Song
Novelty tunes are low-hanging fruit for any list of worst Christmas songs, so we've tried to limit ourselves. However, there is no amount of holiday spirit or spiked eggnog in the world that would make this high-pitched torture track bearable. Thank goodness it's barely two minutes long.
2. Santa Baby
"Santa Baby" was a difficult one to place. The Eartha Kitt original is a witty striptease in audio format; every subsequent version should pay reparations to Kitt's estate. Don't get us started on the travesty that is Michael Bublé's "Santa Buddy".
3. Do They Know It's Christmas?
Perhaps the most misguided charity single in history, Uk supergroup Band Aid recorded this song to raise money for the 1984 Ethiopian famine. Chock-full of colonial patronizing and racist stereotypes, you might need a Band Aid after this song makes you cringe. At least it raised millions for famine relief.
4. The Christmas Shoes
Don't get it twisted, our problem with "The Christmas Shoes" isn't that it's depressing—stay tuned for our "best" section. Our problem is that it's self-congratulatory, exploitative, and sonically dull. Nothing says self-sacrifice like consumerism!
5. The Little Drummer Boy
First recorded by none other than the Trapp Family Singers, "The Little Drummer Boy". Like "Do You Hear What I Hear" and "Silver Bells" (neither of which are on this list), the mind-numbing lyrical and musical repetition make this song feel far longer than its three minutes. Surely a drum, no matter how skillfully played, would be harsh on a newborn baby's ears.
6. Dominick The Donkey
if you've never heard this 1960 novelty release, do yourself a favor and never look it up. Once you listen to it, you'll never be able to get the grating "hee-haw" sound effects out of your head. "Dominick the Donkey" is another maddeningly repetitive song that feels more like an endurance challenge than a novelty carol.
7. Mistletoe
Justin Bieber was an industry punching bag for most of his teenage years due to his status as a pop idol. Released in 2011, this pop-reggae-R&B Christmas jam was an early foray into a more adult sound. Unfortunately, "Mistletoe" is better as a marketing move than a song.
8. Wonderful Christmastime
Many apologies to living legend Paul McCartney, but "Wonderful Christmastime" is a poor representation of his talent. Between the lopping synths and lazy lyrics, this song feels like it was pulled together in five minutes, and we wouldn't be surprised if it was. It feels like McCartney is holding you hostage.
9. Silent Night
Traditional carols are not immune to our Grinch-like ire. "Silent Night" is a lovely, meditative carol whose message of peace in the wake of the Napoleonic Wars is somewhat diluted when every pop girly looking for a quick buck decides to record the whole thing in her chest voice. There is such a thing as over-singing.
10. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
The last novelty song...on this half of the list at least, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" is a truly bafflinf song. If you've only heard the hook, you'll be surprised to learn that Elmo and Patsy are surprisingly graphic as they detail grandma's injuries. An immediate skip in any holiday playlist.
Now that we've covered some of the worst Christmas songs, let's tune in to some of the best.
1. All I Want For Christmas Is You
We're not going to pretend like we're above Mariah Carey's magnum opus. "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is an eternal holiday bop and no butchered high school performance can take that away from us. Carey's effervescent vocals are sugar cookie sweet, expertly capturing the joy of spending time with your loved ones.
2. White Christmas
One thing you'll see recurring on this half of the list is a penchant for gloomier, melancholic Christmas tunes. Sure, it's a season of snow angels and tinsel, but also a season of sadness for many people. Bing Crosby crooning this song as a soldier far from home in the film of the same name is perfectly reflective.
3. Last Christmas
It's absolutely appalling that we saw "Last Christmas" listed on several people's "worst of" round-ups. Whatever happened to taste? Heartbreak has never sounded as good or as festive as it does on this Wham! track. An achingly sincere synth-pop torch song in an over-commercialized landscape.
4. Merry Xmas (War Is Over)
Don't think we're trying to pit two Beatles against each other, it's just that this is the better song. "Merry Xmas (War is Over)" somehow manages to pull off being a Christmas song and a Vietnam War protest in one. Unlike a lot of carols that are about presents and empty platitudes, this one actually stands for something.
5. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Dating back to the 18th century, this minor-mode classic carol has to be the only one to bring Satan into the mix. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen has some of the yuletide strangeness of a bygone era, where ghost stories were told and mysterious green men would crash parties, However, we take umbrage with the strange comma placement.
6. Fairytale Of New York
If this song is a fairytale, it's definitely in the vein of the Brothers Grimm rather than Disney. The Pogues and Kristy MacColl team up for a song that truly runs the gamut of holiday emotions from euphoria, to bitterness, to resignation in the face of another year. A fantasy that feels more emotionally real than a lot of schlock.
7. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Let's get something straight, we're talking about the original Judy Garland version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," the one she sings to comfort her despondent little sister after their lives have been turned upside down. Every other version is a pale imitation—especially the Frank Sinatra version that defanged a song about an uncertain future.
8. Carol Of The Bells
Based on Ukrainian folk tunes, "Carol of the Bells" proves that a carol can be repetitive without being grating. The elaborate instrumentation and layered vocals (depending on which version you listen to) create an epic listening experience. Plus, it forms the basis for the Trans-Siberian Orchestra song.
Sebastian Spindler on Unsplash
9. You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch
Not all novelty tunes are unlistenable. "You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch" is side-splittingly funny, ripping into the Grinch with increasingly creative roasts. C'mon, "your heart is full of unwashed socks" and "your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots" is absolutely brutal! That this song is sung by Thurl Ravenscroft, aka Tony the Tiger, makes the song all the better.
10. River
One final depressing Christmas song for the road, "River" may be the standout of Joni Mitchell's Blue album. Mitchell's voice, gentle piano, and heart-breaking lyrics combine for an instant classic. "River" paints a picture that other holiday songs could only aspire to.
