Nothing is more humiliating than having your own body pull a fast one on you. You know, it's those moments when everything is going perfectly fine, and then out of nowhere, your body decides to completely betray you. If you think you've got it bad, don't worry, because we've got a whole bunch of embarrassingly disgusting stories to share with you.
1. Pregnancy Woes: The Hilarious Struggles of Unpleasant Surprises
Late in my pregnancy, my body began producing a lot of relaxin, causing my hips to constantly fall out of place. If I sat cross-legged for too long or positioned my hips below my knees for extended periods, I couldn't stand up or walk for several minutes without assistance. Imagine my frustration when I was sitting on the couch eating ice cream, and my husband let out the most foul-smelling gas known to man, and I couldn't escape...
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2. Unexpected Humor: A Karate Class Mishap!
While doing sit-ups in my Karate class, I suddenly let out a massive fart by accident. Despite my best attempt to put on a poker face, it was pretty obvious that it was me, which was admittedly quite funny.
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3. Middle School Math Test: A Sneeze, A Fart, and An Unforgettable Day!
I was taking a test in my pre-algebra class during 6th grade when I suddenly had to sneeze. I attempted to perform one of those silent sneezes, the kind where you pinch your nose and sneeze without making too much noise. I succeeded in keeping the sneeze quiet, but my efforts to suppress it resulted in a loud fart. Given that we were in the middle of a test, the room was otherwise extremely quiet, so it was clear to everyone that it was me. One particularly obnoxious kid found the whole situation hilarious and just couldn't let it go. His constant laughing made me feel even more embarrassed, and eventually, the teacher had to escort him outside.
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4. The Hilarious Tale of Becoming 'Jet Boy'
When I was younger, I found myself in an amusing situation. I was sitting on the grass along with a group of kids. A beautiful girl was sitting next to me. I felt an urge to fart. In my mind, I thought, if I lift myself up, I could let it out silently. As I lifted myself, I ended up farting loudly. The girl, amused by the incident, nicknamed me 'Jet Boy', attributing the force of my fart as something that propelled me off the ground. This nickname stuck with me for years.
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5. Finding Humor and Truth in Unexpected Places
While watching 'How I Met Your Mother', I found myself laughing at the concept of the back of the knees being an erogenous zone. It seemed like such an outrageous idea. However, when I finally experienced intimacy, I realized they weren't joking. I felt betrayed. I had trusted them and they were right all along.
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6. The Middle-Aged Gym Misadventure
A couple of years ago, I was working out at the gym and decided to do wind sprints on the basketball court. The basketball court is actually four courts lined up side by side with a walking/running track on the second floor overlooking it. This particular morning, the track was busy. After a few sprints, I noticed a basketball lying about a quarter of the way down the court. Thinking I could be cool, I started another sprint, bent down to grab the ball with the intention of scooping it up, dribbling and doing a layup on the way down the court. Unfortunately, my middle-aged self sprinted down the court, bent down, grabbed the ball but was unable to correct to a standing position. As a result, my momentum carried me to the ground where I slid on my stomach for what felt like an eternity in front of all the people on the track above. To my credit, I got up and finished the layup. Middle age certainly isn't all fun, kids.
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7. A Hilarious Tale of Friendship, Hotels, and Bathroom Disasters
Once upon a time, my former friend and I found ourselves in a hotel. A pressing need overcame me, necessitating an immediate visit to the bathroom. Little did I know, my body had been silently preparing for a significant event. Suddenly, I felt it - a massive delivery was underway. Upon completion, the need for a plunger was clear. Despite my warnings, my friend ventured into the aftermath. The expression of sheer horror and repulsion on her face remains etched in my memory. We haven't spoken since that fateful day.
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8. The Explosive Consequences of Walking Stomach Crunches
Finally, I have a chance to tell this story! I once dated a girl who did 'stomach exercises'. They were kind of like stomach crunches but performed while standing or walking. This was a phenomenon I had never encountered before, so I thought I'd give it a try. It seemed simple enough. There I was, walking and crunching, walking and crunching, convinced I would have abs of steel in no time. I thought I was so smart! After indulging in a hefty Indian meal, we decided to take a walk to a crowded Blockbuster to pick up a movie for the evening. I figured it would be a good opportunity to practice my new exercise technique. It turned out to be a bad idea. I 'flexed' the 'wrong muscle' with explosive force. What ensued was the thunderous sound of a shotgun fart followed by... yes, you guessed it, diarrhea. I can only thank God that Blockbuster is now closed.
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9. My Unexpected Brush with Panic: A Personal Encounter with Anxiety
I've never experienced a panic attack or anything like that. Generally, I'm an anxious person, but it's not noticeable. I like to think I have it under control. On Friday night, I had what my significant other suspects to be my first panic attack. I took myself to the emergency room as I was 100% convinced I was dying of a heart attack. I didn't feel right and I just had this instinct that something bad was about to happen. The nurse performed an ECG, checked my blood pressure and oxygen levels, but everything was fine. It was a highly embarrassing moment that I would not recommend.
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10. The Spasm Saga: An Unforgettable Dinner with the In-laws
I was bending down to pick up my bag when I experienced the most powerful back spasm I had ever felt. I fell over and couldn't get back up. This incident occurred just before a dinner to meet my boyfriend's family at his house. I had to call my boyfriend back into the room to help me get up. I spent the rest of the night holding myself up by the armrest on the chairs because my back felt like it was being compressed and hurt so much. This gave the impression that I was essentially an arthritic kid. My boyfriend's mom even gave me a whole tube of Voltaren to use for the next few days.
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11. The Unforeseen Consequences of Snacking on Cough Drops
I devoured some cough drops, treating them as an ordinary snack. Unexpectedly, I ended up grappling with a bout of diarrhea. It came out of nowhere, leaving me in an uncomfortable state for about six hours. I was constantly wary of farts and felt absolutely horrible. Fortunately, Kaopectate came to my rescue and put an end to my suffering. A word of caution though, refrain from consuming cough drops like a snack.
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12. The Day I Conquered Food Poisoning
Having battled food poisoning all day, I decided to take a shower in hopes that the warm water would bring some relief. A few minutes in, I felt the unmistakable sensation of impending vomit. Within 15 seconds, I was projectile vomiting all over the shower wall in front of me. The force of this exertion caused my other bodily functions to react, resulting in a mess at the back of the shower and down my leg. I could feel vomit running out of my nose and what looked like Guinness beer forming a pool around me, its smell far from the original.
In the midst of this, I began to cough. My wife, hearing my distress, came in to check on me. As soon as she caught a whiff of the situation, she asked what was happening. I yelled, using my best Chris Farley impression, urging her to leave the bathroom while I cleaned up. The only silver lining to this ordeal was that I immediately felt better after expelling all of that from my system. This was fortunate as I spent the next 30 minutes cleaning the shower. When I finally emerged from the bathroom, my wife asked what had transpired. I told her I had simultaneously experienced a #1, a puke, and a #2, to which she responded, 'you did a 3!' That shower, and our perception of it, was forever changed. We moved out soon after.
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13. Living with Lipomas: A Personal Journey
I am lumpy. My arms and sides are covered in lipomas. Lipomas are small fatty tumors, benign in nature, and most people will experience one at some point in their lives. In my 30s, I had 72 of them removed. That's 48 incisions and over 200 staples. Fortunately, I have pale skin and my scars are difficult to see. However, within approximately 8 years, I was lumpy once again. In my 40s, I took up distance cycling, riding over 200 miles a week during the summers in Texas. This led to me having almost no body fat and, consequently, no lipomas. Now, after 13 years of homeownership and a more serious approach to my career, they're back. Currently, I weigh around 180 pounds and I'm about 5'9", so I could stand to lose about ten pounds. However, I don't appear visibly overweight. Thankfully, my wife isn't bothered by my lipomas. In fact, when we go to the movies, she often fiddles with one on my forearm.
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14. Unexpected Period Woes on a Long Drive: A Sister's Lifesaver Moment
During a long, 8-hour drive, I unexpectedly started my period. There were no cramps, no warning signs. About 4 hours into the journey, I stepped out to use the restroom, only to discover blood all over the seat and my pants. Fortunately, it was my sister's car and she wasn't upset. She even bought me tampons and a new pair of jeans!
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15. Teenage Indulgences: A Personal Journey from Overeating to Stretch Marks
When I was a teen, I was oblivious to the concept of healthy eating and would just eat as much as I could, whenever and however I wanted. So of course, I got fat. I was so big that this behaviour left me with significant stretch marks that I will carry for life. Now I just feel embarrassed whenever I consider going shirtless. It's impossible for me to go to the beach without feeling self-conscious...
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16. A Bus Ride, Two Girls and an Unexpected Wake-Up Call
I was on the bus when two very attractive girls caught my eye. They sat down right in front of me! They both passed out soon after sitting down and I fell asleep too. But to my embarrassment (and I'll never know why I did this), I woke up making a loud moan that sounded like "Huuuuuuh!". Needless to say, you won't be surprised to hear I didn't get lucky that day.
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17. The Night of Unfortunate Events: A Tale of Unexpected Mishaps
I randomly woke up one night with an urgent need to vomit and defecate simultaneously. As I struggled out of bed, I stumbled and fell. The sudden shock caused me to lose control, resulting in a messy situation where I found myself lying on the bedroom floor, having vomited and soiled myself. It was indeed a challenging night.
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18. The Day I Almost Fainted at Target
I was standing in the checkout line at Target, getting myself a drink and a little snack because I hadn't eaten anything yet that day and started feeling kind of crappy because of it. I got in the shortest line, and then a mom and daughter started talking to the cashier about how something should have been on sale. My hearing started getting staticky, and my vision was getting dark. I was bracing myself on the conveyor belt, just trying to breathe and play it cool. The mom and cashier kept talking about the coupon, and I was thinking to myself, 'Dear God, how embarrassing if they have to call an ambulance and I'm taken out of this place on a stretcher. I can never come to this Target again.'
So they kept talking, and I decided to sit down on the floor because that's just what you do. I was sitting there with my head on my knees when a manager walked up and, in a kind of angry, confused tone, asked me if I was okay. I stood up and told her, 'Oh yeah, I'm fine,' and played it off to avoid drawing any further attention to myself. I checked out, took my stuff, and sat in my car in a cold sweat, realizing I had never fainted before in my life. And that I can never go to that Target again.
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19. The Most Embarrassing Day of My Study-Abroad Experience
During my college years, I took part in a study-abroad trip with a group of students. One day, we embarked on an all-day boat trip to a deserted island for snorkeling. About an hour into the trip, I felt the urgent need to use the bathroom. Unfortunately, the only available bathroom was on the boat. It was a tiny hole in the floor, which required others to hold it closed while in use. My 21-year-old self was far too self-conscious to bear such embarrassment among people I barely knew, so I decided to hold it in. This continued all day and throughout the two-hour drive back home in a van.
Once back at our dorms, I discovered my roommate had developed a migraine and was occupying our shared bathroom. I didn't know where any other bathrooms were so I had no choice but to stay in my room and pray for her quick recovery. I was awkwardly hopping around my room in discomfort for the longest time before it finally happened. Still dressed in my bikini, I ended up crapping myself. NO ONE knows about this incident, but the humiliation was REAL. I guess I betrayed my body by holding it in for so long. Definitely was a poor decision.
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20. The Most Embarrassing Game of Beach Rugby: A Holiday Mishap in Fiji
A few years back, I was on holiday in Fiji with my significant other. We found ourselves playing rugby with some younger kids down on the beach. The day was a struggle for me, as I was still feeling the effects of a few too many tequilas from the night before.
Dressed in nothing but my rugby shorts, I found myself in a rather embarrassing situation. As I was passed the ball, I unexpectedly sharted. Suddenly, it was a race against time to get back to our room before the evidence could make its way completely down the back of my legs. I quickly grabbed the room key from the chair where our things were placed, and in my haste, I dropped my shorts and ditched them midway to the room.
What followed felt like an eternity, as I ran up the stairs and down the hallway, one hand attempting to cover my private parts while the other held onto the room key for dear life. All the while, I kept up appearances by politely saying 'Bula' as I sprinted past everyone, somewhat covered in my own mess.
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21. When Silent but Deadly Cleared the Room
I was on a low/no carb diet while in Hong Kong. During a dinner, I had a panna cotta, one of my favourite desserts, despite being slightly lactose intolerant. Unfortunately, I didn't have any lactaid pills at the moment.
Later, while working on my uncle's computer, I ended up farting, expecting it to be silent and smell-free. To my surprise, it came out silently, but the smell was so strong it literally cleared the room. Imagine the scene; everyone, including my grandmother with her walker, silently vacating the premise, and my uncle exclaiming, 'Did something die?' Six people left quickly and quietly. Even I could smell it. I was just dying of laughter because everyone just scurried away so swiftly.
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22. Period Nightmare at 30,000 Feet
I once took a nap on an airplane and woke up to a rather embarrassing situation. My period had turned torrential, overflowing my extra-large cup and even seeping through the overnight pad I had on for extra security. To my horror, it had leaked through my jeans. I certainly do not miss my uterus.
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23. The Engagement Ring that 'Married' My Finger
While trying on an engagement ring in a jewelry store, my finger swelled up so much that I couldn't get it off. Despite using lube supplied by the store, the swelling wouldn't subside - the ring seemed to be 'bonded' to my finger. I remember feeling embarrassed when the jeweler, with a smile, commented, 'It's a good sign - this engagement ring is already married to your finger.' The ring was eventually removed by soaking my finger in ice water, multiple times, to reduce the swelling.
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24. Stumbling Steps: When Walking Makes You Look Like You've Had One Too Many
Every so often while I'm walking, one of my legs will unexpectedly give out for a brief moment. It's never bad enough to cause me to fall, but it does look like I don't know how to use my legs or never learned how to walk. I'm pretty sure I look drunk.
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25. High School Memories of an Epic Snot Rocket Incident
During a high school movie night with a group of friends and girls, I found myself in an awkward situation. I managed to cough and sneeze simultaneously, and as a result, an enormous snot rocket flew out of my mouth, landing embarrassingly on the blanket.
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26. My 60lbs Bench Press vs Two Flights of Stairs
In the womb, my lungs decided to rebel and have yet to cooperate two decades later. It's rather amusing when I can bench press 60lbs - considering I'm a petite woman - yet need a break after climbing just two flights of stairs.
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27. First Impressions and Potty Humor
When my boyfriend visited my home for the first time, we had just returned from a restaurant. The moment I stepped through the front door, my stomach roared and gurgled more fiercely than ever before - if I didn't run to the bathroom that instant, I was in imminent danger of an embarrassing accident. Fortunately, I made it to the toilet. Unfortunately, he chose to sit on the corner of my bed, right outside the door. He listened as I battled my upset stomach for a solid five minutes. The moment I opened the door, he began teasing me, imitating all the interesting noises he had heard. He shattered the potty humor barrier on day one, and we haven't stopped teasing each other about bodily functions since then.
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28. An Unexpected Episode during a Solemn Moment
During a moment of silence at work to commemorate and honour the sacrifices of those in WW2, I experienced a massive fart that my body couldn't contain. Let me tell you, there's nothing quite like breaking dead silence during a quiet, respectful moment with a gigantic fart.
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29. When a Cold Turns into an Unexpected Embarrassment
I am currently battling a severe cold, and the coughing has been incessant. Just yesterday, I was in the car with my significant other when I coughed so hard, I unexpectedly passed gas. Coincidentally, my neighbors arrived home at the same time, resulting in a five-minute conversation, during which the fear of any leakage was paralyzing. I managed to make it to the restroom just in time, narrowly escaping the disaster of staining my jeans.
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30. Epic Wing Night Turns into Plumbing Nightmare
My girlfriend and I decided to spend a night at our local bar, which is not only our favorite spot but also one of the few bars open all winter in our beach town. They host a wing night every week which is extremely popular, hence we had to wait a while for a table.
Generally, we limit ourselves to a beer each on weeknights, but that particular night, we ended up having a lot more while waiting for our table. After several beers, hot wings, and a night of digestion, the next day, my body demanded to relieve itself.
I was at work with just my boss and the head of all offices in my state, which include five offices. I ended up taking one of the most monumental dumps of my life, resulting in the worst toilet clog I have ever caused. After struggling for 20 minutes with the plunger, I had to admit defeat. I confessed to my boss, which was excruciatingly embarrassing as she is quite attractive. She tried calling some plumbers, but none were available. I spent another 15 minutes trying to unclog the toilet, but eventually, we had to leave early since our office only has one toilet. The plumber was able to unclog it the next morning. So, in summary, I ate too many wings, drank too much beer, and ended up costing the company 150 bucks the next day to unclog a toilet.
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31. My Cringe-Worthy Theme Park Adventure
When I was young and just beginning to understand the nature of my menstrual cycle, I made the innocent mistake of wearing white shorts to a theme park. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned for the white shorts. My friend's dad noticed the situation, which was incredibly embarrassing for a 14-year-old girl. He was very respectful and kind about it, but it is still a memory that makes me cringe to this day.
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32. The Hangover Train Ride
Honestly, it was entirely my own fault. I drank too much one night and had a three-hour train ride the next morning while completely hungover and nauseous. While on the train, I felt the need to throw up so I went to the toilet. This new, modern, fancy train had automatic doors on the toilet, and I couldn't figure out where the button was to close them. I was frantically trying to figure it out while suppressing my vomiting as much as possible. A sweet old lady who was sitting near the toilets noticed my trouble and pointed out the button to me. I thanked her, closed the door, and proceeded to be very audible in my sickness. I didn't dare to look her in the eye when I walked by in shame later.
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33. My Hilarious High-School Misadventures: How My Body Betrayed Me
When I was about 15-16 years old, I used to sit next to a very attractive girl in school. Naturally, I developed a bit of a crush on her. However, my chances with her were essentially ruined from the outset. We were in a class where the teacher was very strict, and the room was often silent, especially during tests. The problem wasn't my nerves; it was my body. For some strange reason, only in this class and only when I was next to this girl, my body would make the most unusual sounds. My stomach would rumble and gurgle violently for no apparent reason, and my throat would make strange, phlegmy noises when I swallowed. On occasion, I would become incredibly gassy.
My attempts to suppress these sounds, especially to prevent the girl from experiencing the toxicity of my gas, were met with even louder stomach growls. The sounds were just quiet enough for the girl and the person on my other side to hear. My only response was to nervously laugh and apologize. Attempting to mask the sounds with a cough was risky. Additionally, the seats in this class were quite small, and there wasn't enough room at the tables to accommodate everyone comfortably. This led to a constant need to readjust my sitting position, which soon became noticeable. If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I had no other option. Strangely enough, I have never experienced this phenomenon in any other setting. I am convinced that my English literature grade suffered slightly due to the energy I expended trying to avoid these 'noises'.
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34. The Unforgettable Gym Class Incident
I wasn't particularly popular in school, and this was especially true during junior high. For the most part, my lack of popularity didn't bother me, but there were moments that stood out. One such moment occurred in 7th grade, during gym class, which I didn't particularly enjoy.
On this day, I arrived early, and while I was waiting for the others to arrive, I thought I could discreetly pass gas and allow the smell to dissipate before anyone else showed up. Unfortunately, my plan did not go as intended. A girl, who was particularly unsympathetic towards me, walked into the aftermath. She was about to utter some unkind words to me but was taken aback by the smell. All she could manage to say was, 'EWWW! EWWW!' She then proceeded to inform every person who emerged from the locker room that I was the culprit. It's an incident I've almost managed to put behind me.
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35. Unexpected Moments: My First Period Postpartum
Getting my period back after having my son was quite an experience. For those that don't know, the first period after giving birth can turn up at any time - it was 9 months postpartum with my daughter, and 11 months with my son. And, it's usually extremely heavy.
I was with my daughter at the paediatrician's when I had the most horrible cramps. I didn't really recognise them for what they were, and I was so focused on my daughter that I didn't pay them much attention. We went into the doctor's office, sat down, and had a chat. Then we got up as they needed to examine her on the bed.
Suddenly, I heard, 'Erm, Frau Vesparia, I think you have a little problem.' I turned around and, sure enough, the lovely light green chair I'd just vacated was no longer light green. It wasn't even a small stain - it was as if my uterus had made a sacrifice to the fertility gods. There I was, in jeans, dying of embarrassment and having to explain it was my first period.
The doctor was very kind and slipped me a pad, and I had to go to the toddler's toilet to try and make myself half decent. As I left, my face as red as my jeans, I saw a nurse armed with cleaning lotions and potions heading into the room. Even now, I still cringe with embarrassment when I think about it.
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36. The Unforgettable School Desk Incident
In the 7th grade, while sitting at my school desk, I bent over to pick up a pencil. The class was focused on their worksheets and the room was eerily quiet. Then, without any warning, a loud fart ripped its way out. The sudden noise shattered the silence, leaving me mortified. Time has passed and I'm sure everyone else has forgotten, but the memory still lingers with me.
37. The Day Gravity Played a Prank
I pursued classical ballet passionately in my younger years. When I was 12, I remember a specific stretching routine we used to do. We would lie on our backs, with our bottoms scooted up against the wall, and our legs stretched towards the ceiling. Gradually, we would let our legs fall into the splits, allowing gravity to assist us. We would lay there while tranquil piano music fillled the air, and my legs were stretched wide open.
The girl next to me was subtly whispering jokes, causing me to stifle giggles. I began to feel an impending wave of gas building up, but being young and naive, I was too scared to close my legs for fear of getting into trouble. Consequently, I let out the loudest, most fearsome fart I have ever known. It was so powerful, I half-believed it had torn a hole in my little pink leotard. The room, a large wooden studio, amplified the sound, and it seemed to echo for an eternity. In response, all the other girls began screaming, I was screaming, and I'm pretty sure the teacher was screaming too. To this day, the memory still haunts me.
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38. That Time I Broke the Wind and the Ice
I was spending time with my boyfriend at his parents' house, just hanging out in his room and being silly. In a quiet moment, I unexpectedly let out a loud fart, marking the first time I had ever done so in front of him. As if the timing couldn't have been any worse, his mother chose that exact moment to walk into the room. She promptly turned around and left without a word, leaving us in stunned silence. My boyfriend started laughing at my shocked expression and the overall absurdity of the situation. And then, to my horror, I let out another slow, drawn-out, and loud fart. The whole incident was quite hilarious, albeit extremely embarrassing at the time.
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39. The Unruly Soldier: A Tale of Teenage Embarrassment
Random erections. I think every guy can relate to this on one level or another. I got one on the school bus going home once, when I was about 13. Astonishingly, it occurred during the 15 seconds or so in the day that I wasn't thinking about sex. It just shot up like a tower at the beginning of Breath of the Wild, and it would just not go down.
I kept watching my stop get closer and closer. Four stops away. Three. Two. How I longed for a nettle leaf to smack it down with. No amount of thinking about inanimate objects or ugly government ministers was making the slightest difference. The private was standing to attention through all the wind and rain I could throw at him. So in the end, I just had to walk off and hide it with my art folder as best I could.
Unfortunately, my best was not good enough, and I was nowhere near cool enough to just play it off. That was a fun year, after that. Of course, as soon as I got off the bus it wilted like ice cream under Sauron's gaze. Damn you, you goddamn betraying penis you!
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40. An Unforgettable Embarrassment
Years ago, I attended a music event that involved a lot of day drinking. As I was leaving, I found myself needing to use the restroom, but the lines for the portable toilets were incredibly long. It was there that I made the terrible decision to wait until I got back to my apartment.
The train ride home was manageable for the most part, but by the time I reached my stop, my need to pee had become extremely urgent. Despite having a 10-minute walk ahead of me to reach my apartment, I felt confident that I could make it if I walked briskly. Upon reaching my front door, a wave of relief washed over me. I was on the brink of bursting, so I swiftly entered and made a beeline for the bathroom. However, as I began to undo my zipper, my control faltered and I started to urinate. Despite standing directly in front of my toilet, I still managed to wet myself. Thankfully, there was no one else around to witness my embarrassment, but the memory of that incident still makes me cringe.
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41. The Unforgettable School Day
Once, I attended school despite feeling extremely unwell. Within the first ten minutes, my stomach began to cramp intensely, prompting me to inform the teacher that I needed to leave. My house was only a ten-minute bike ride from the school. However, every minor bump in the road seemed to exacerbate the pain in my stomach.
Barely two minutes into the ride, I had to stop due to the severity of my nausea, which resulted in me throwing up and unfortunately, peeing my pants quite severely. A few of my friends drove past me during this ordeal, but I don't think they noticed my predicament. I reached out to my dad who didn't have a car to bring me home in, but owned a scooter. He arrived soon and I explained to him my desperate need to get home. Despite the lack of alternatives, I had no choice but to ride home on the bike, still with the mess in my pants, alongside my dad.
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42. Waterpark Woes: My Embarrassing Period Story
I was at the water park when my period decided to make its unexpected appearance. I didn't realize until I stepped out of a wave pool and heard a little kid scream, “Mommy, there's red stuff in the water!” I looked back to see a very obvious blood trail leading directly to me.
Immediately, I rushed to the showers, where I found a huge stain on my cover up. Thirty minutes later, I casually walked out of the showers fully dressed, my swimsuit and coverup washed out and stuffed in my towel. The wave pool had been shut down, with the lifeguards shocking the water to get rid of the blood. A crowd of children lingered near the edge, many voicing their complaints loudly. My mom raised an eyebrow at me as I shuffled back to our chairs, but she didn't say anything. Since then, I've gotten better at managing my cycle.
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43. First Date Fiasco: When Nerves Lead to Embarrassing Moments
I was on my first date ever. We were at her house watching a movie, and I was as nervous as could be. Gas started accumulating in my gut, causing a good deal of discomfort. I couldn't excuse myself to the bathroom because it was situated next to her room. I feared it would sound like a machine gun firing in there, so I tried to hold it in. However, halfway through the movie, my gut decided it had had enough. It let out a massive one. The girl acted like she was cool with it, but she never messaged me again. Looking back, it's kind of funny.
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44. The Day I Took Flight: A Comical & Painful Sidewalk Misadventure
Last summer, I tripped over something while walking on the sidewalk. It happens every now and then, no big deal. It normally just looks like a funny skip or something. Except this time, I kind of leaped forward into the air. Somehow, the normal response to put my hands before me didn't happen. So, I just dropped to the ground like a human sack of potatoes. It was about equally painful and embarrassing. I still don't know how on earth that happened.
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45. Love in the Time of IBS: A Hilarious Tale of Gas, Laughter, and Endurance
I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and suffer from an extremely bloated stomach full of gas when I eat certain foods. It feels like I'm carrying a basketball under my skin, all due to gas. My boyfriend, who had known about my IBS for a year, had never really witnessed its worst effects.
One day, while we were at my apartment, I was struggling with my 'gas belly'. Understanding my situation, I excused myself to my room to try and release some of the gas. Just as I was laying on my bed, knees up, trying to coax the gas out, my boyfriend walked in to show me something on his phone. The sight of me in such a position made him laugh, which in turn made me laugh, and I could feel a massive release of gas coming.
I tried to warn him to leave, but I was laughing too hard to get the words out clearly. Caught between laughter and my position, I couldn't hold it back. I released the loudest, longest fart in history. Initially, he laughed in surprise, but as the fart continued, his face transitioned from laughter to surprise, then to shock, and finally to what looked like a twinge of sadness. Watching him cycle through so many emotions made me laugh even harder, prolonging the fart. Eventually, he stepped out of the room, his hands covering his mouth. When he returned, the fart was ending with a final 'toot-toot-toot'. He was speechless.
The first thing he said was, 'I feel like I lived 80 years, died, and came back to life again before that fart ended. I just don't understand how it was so long and steady. And then it got all Louis Armstrong at the end.' That's how we started referring to certain trumpet-like farts as 'Louis.' Despite this gassy display, we moved in together a few months later, proving my 'butt performance' didn't deter him too much.
Photo by Sarah Noltner on Unsplash
46. The Unexpected Turn on Our Second Date
On the second date with my now wife, I was tasked with cooking dinner for her. Amidst the process, I felt a slight gas pressure that I thought I could release discreetly. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
Although it wasn't terrible, and it didn't really smell, emitting such a sound on our second date was definitely not included in my plans for the evening. In response, I simply shrugged, looked at her and said, 'Oh wow, it's way too early in this relationship for something like that. I'm so sorry.' Much to my relief, she laughed and shrugged it off. Fast forward to the present, we've been together for almost 15 years.
Image by scottbroomephotography
47. The Fart Fiasco: How My Body Betrayed Me on a Home Visit
I once passed gas three times within a span of 40 minutes while I was at a girl's house. They weren't loud, but they were definitely audible. I apologized each time and she reassured me not to worry about it, but I could see she was taken aback. I couldn't help it, I don't know what was wrong with my body that day, but it felt like my digestive system was playing some serious matador defense on me. I haven't spoken with her since then, even though we're neighbors and we see each other a few times a month. We simply exchange greetings and that's about it.
Image by brina_blum
48. The Unforeseen Consequences of Blood Donation
Story Time. My grandmother was killed when she contracted the AIDS virus through a blood transfusion, back in the day. If you live in Minnesota and get a blood transfusion, know that my grandma was the one that paved the way for hospitals to screen blood.
My family donates blood on her birthday but I despise donating blood. I hate needles, I can't stand the sight of blood, and I detest the strange cold feeling that runs through my entire arm. In a cruel twist of fate, I happen to have universal blood that is CMV negative (I can donate to babies and small children, which is apparently rare). Hospitals always seem to be in short supply, as I am constantly being called to donate twice the regular amount every time I'm eligible. (I demand twice as many cookies as they give other people).
One time, after donating a double dose, I felt fine. Usually I would feel exhausted and need to go to sleep, but that day I was feeling okay. I got home and my wife was there. We're trying to have a baby, and we were both feeling a bit flirty, so we went for it. I undressed when my knees wobbled, the room spun, and I collapsed on the floor. I never lost consciousness. I was just sprawled naked on the floor, unable to lift my arms or legs. TLDR - Don't try to have a romantic time after donating a double dose of blood.
Photo by Chastity Cortijo on Unsplash
49. The Day I Peed Myself in College
I had a mortifying experience in college when I was 17, during a lecture that lasted four hours. I found myself in a predicament where I desperately needed to use the restroom, but I was certain that if I stood up, I would embarrass myself by urinating on the spot. The fear of peeing myself in front of everyone was so intense that I decided to stay put. I waited for the other students to leave, but they lingered, having questions for the professor.
I eventually managed to leave the room without incident, but as soon as I was out the door, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I kneeled on the floor, pretending to rummage through my bag, praying that no one would notice the puddle forming around me. Someone even asked if I was okay while I frantically pretended to look for something in my bag. After a painstaking five minutes, the coast was clear and I rushed to the nearest restroom to dry myself off. I then went home, changed my underwear, and dried my skirt and shoes with a hairdryer because I didn't want anyone to suspect what had happened. To this day, I wonder if anyone noticed and chose not to mention it, or if I somehow managed to keep it a secret.
Photo by Mikael Kristenson on Unsplash
50. A Hilarious Childhood Crush Story
When I was 12, my best friend and I were hanging out with two guys that we were super interested in. I was sitting on the top step with my bestie, and the two guys were goofing off further down the steps, making us laugh. Suddenly, I started laughing so hard that I started farting really loudly. Even though I was mortified, I could not stop laughing and then I started wetting my pants. I couldn't stop!
The wetness was running down the steps as I tried desperately to stop laughing by covering my ears and shutting my eyes. I finally gained control of my body and stopped laughing, but it was too late. My crush came over to sit next to me, and right before he sat down next to me, he saw the puddle and jumped up alarmed, exclaiming 'Whoah!'
I got up and tried to run inside, but I didn't have my key, so I had to ring the buzzer and wait for my mom to buzz me in in front of them with wet pants, and the giant puddle that had run down half the steps. I stayed inside the rest of the day, and that night my crush miraculously came back and asked me out through my bedroom window.
Image by jamie452
51. Tears at the Conference Table
In a meeting with my managers, they're complaining about X, Y, and Z that I haven't achieved. I'm not upset about the criticisms. If anything, I'm angry I have to hear them, but for some bizarre reason, my eyes started watering. We have these meetings weekly, and every time, my eyes would water and tears would pour. It started happening even when I wasn't angry. Even in normal angry situations, I'd never tear up. But it happens just in those meetings.
Image by sincerelymedia
52. The Sneaky Sneeze Turned Unexpected Fart: A 5th Grade Tale
In the 5th grade, during a math test, I felt a sneeze coming. I tried to hold in the sneeze to maintain the mandated silence, but ended up farting on a wooden seat chair. The chair resonated the sound perfectly, resulting in a sequence of ahh..ahh...aafart!
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash
53. A Hilarious Mishap: When Pranks Go Wrong
My husband was seriously annoying me the other day so I wanted to play a prank to get back at him. For some dumb reason, my childlike brain immediately went to: let's fart on him. So I did just that. I ran to grab him and tried to fart on him, but things took a terrible turn. I somehow ended up peeing myself. It was so embarrassing but hey, we're still together!
Image by cameronstow
54. The Fart I'll Never Forget
During a two-hour train ride, I could feel the need for air slowly building up inside me. I held it back, determined not to release it until I was off the train. As my stop approached, I got up and walked to the door, still holding back what was now a massive amount of air in my colon. Just as the doors were about to open, a child stumbled into me from behind. The surprise was so great that I momentarily forgot to hold in, resulting in the loudest, most disgusting fart you could ever imagine. I have never left a train station faster in my entire life. Poor kid!
Photo by Ankush Minda on Unsplash
55. Middle School Mishaps: An Unexpectedly Awkward Moment
In the sixth grade, I experienced an awkward situation. Out of nowhere, I got an unanticipated erection. As fate would have it, I was asked to hand something to the teacher at that exact moment. When I stood up, a girl who sat near me stared right at my crotch with wide eyes. I'm endlessly thankful she didn't tell anyone about it, or else I might have been bullied the rest of my school years.
Image by olloweb
56. The Most Rancid Fart: A Hilarious Escape from School
In the 6th grade, I released the most rancid fart of all time. Surprisingly, my teacher managed to pinpoint the source of this toxic stench to me and promptly kicked me out of the class. She insisted that I visit the nurse and have someone pick me up, as she was convinced that such a vile smell could only be produced by someone who was ill. However, I considered it a bonus to be able to leave school early. Even more amusing was the fact that my dad found the entire situation hilarious.
Image by mrthetrain
57. Coming Out Two Ends
One time I got really sick so I ran to the washroom needing to throw up. When I reached the toilet, I immediately started throwing up like crazy, but out of nowhere, I started crapping my pants too. And as you all know, once you start throwing up, you can't exactly stop until you're done. So in the end, I was stuck there for 5 uncomfortable minutes just crapping myself while throwing up. It was probably the smelliest and most disgusting moment of my entire life.
Ever since then, I stopped being able to throw up like a normal person. I'm TERRIFIED it'll come out both ends again, so now when I have to throw up, I sit on the toilet while bending over a bucket. Yeah, it's so much harder to do, but I'm pretty traumatized.
58. You've Got It All Wrong!
I’m very prone to nose bleeds that range from a paper cuts amount of blood to a full blown severed artery amount. Typically they come along randomly during the early parts of November when heating units are turned on and the air is especially dry.
Anyway, I wait tables for a living at a fancy restaurant so this can be an especially problematic few weeks as they can pop up randomly while chatting with a table. One night I had a couple in from out of town who declined drinks because they were so hungover from the night before. I mentioned that I was also having a rough day from the previous night and we shared an empathetic laugh with each other. My nose then started to bleed rather badly resulting in the table thinking their server was a heavy user of cocaine.
Photo by Bimo Luki on Unsplash
59. A Stranger In My Bed
I woke up one night and immediately realized that something was resting against my right calf. I then realized that it was emitting heat. Then realized that it didn't have hair. So pretty much I have an alive, non-cat or dog, non-reptile something touching me and I'm frozen with fear. I slowly look to my side to make sure no ones in bed with me, then slowly peer over the side of the bed to see if someone's on the floor snaking their hand under the covers to touch me. It's still on my calf. It feels like human skin.
I don't want to scare whatever it is away because if I don't find out what it is I can never sleep again. I've been awake for 5 minutes and decide that I will quickly sit up and grab it so I can pin it down and check under the covers to see what it us. I lurch forward and clasp my hands over... my own god damned left foot. Took me a moment to piece together what had happened.
My left foot had fallen asleep and was so numb that it didn't register its contact with my other leg. My calf felt the foot resting on it, but the foot didn't have any feeling left to notify my brain that it was resting on my calf. I had just thought that my other foot was extended straight out but it had become bent at the ankle and fallen asleep.
I've never felt stupider or more relieved.
Photo by Lucrezia Carnelos on Unsplash
60. Deceived By My Own Body
I had just come off of a bad flu that had kept me out of work for nearly a week. I managed to work that Thursday and Friday, and though I felt run down, I was no longer feverish and for the most part, I felt okay.
I felt well enough to go out to dinner with friends, after which we met up with a bunch of other people at the local bowling alley. It was my friend's birthday, and though most of us were casually dressed, she was wearing a beautiful little black dress and a pair of brand new, never before worn high heels. She really looked stunning.
We were sitting in these really high barstools around a little round table, and had just ordered our first drinks. I was in my early twenties and had never been a big drinker, but I really liked a particular cocktail called a Blue Hawaiian. Up until this point, I'd been drinking iced tea.
I took one sip of my drink, and though it tasted as it was meant to taste, it went down my throat like a chemical burn and hit my gut like a cannon ball. It came back up, along with my dinner, so fast that I didn't have a chance to even put my hand over my mouth, run, swallow, anything...
A chunky, syrupy mix of cashew chicken and Blue Hawaiian shot out of my mouth and Linda Blair'd my friend's brand new shoes, ruining them completely. It was mortifying. It didn't help that I slid off of the barstool in a dead faint, and the only reason I didn't hit the floor was because someone caught me in their arms.
Turns out, I was still very ill and ended up in bed fighting high fevers for another few days. To anyone else outside of my friends in that bowling alley, though, I must have looked like the sloppiest drunk on the planet, because ruining my friend's shoes wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's been over twenty years since this happened, and I still cringe when I remember it.
