Is the Fun Worth the Annoyance?
Walking into a toy store with children is magical. For parents? It could be the beginning of the end. Whether it be the noisy drum kit that assaults your eardrums at 6 AM or the slime goop made specifically to stain your rugs, these are 20 toys parents pray their kids won’t pick.
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1. The Classic Drum Set
Sure, you may want to nurture your child’s inner rockstar, but a tiny drum kit will guarantee that you never have peace and quiet again. The incessant pounding typically starts well before your morning coffee has kicked in and doesn’t let up until you consider burying the drumsticks in the backyard.
2. High-Capacity Water Blasters
Did you know those cheap water blasters can hold up to two gallons of water? Of course you didn’t. It always ends up transforming your family room into a small pond anyway. Even if you implement strict rules about “playing in the back yard with those,” you’ll inevitably get soaked.
3. Kinetic Sand
Kinetic sand is advertised as not being a mess because it supposedly only sticks to itself. Lie. Another stain-inducing lie parents learn way too late. You will discover small chunks of the colorful sand hiding in the corners of your tile flooring and even in your carpet, long after your child has lost interest.
4. Interactive Electronic Furry Friends
Those cute little robotic animals typically have some sort of “sensor” on their backs that randomly decides to wake your child up in the middle of the night. You could be blissfully asleep when suddenly an obnoxious digital voice shouts at you to feed it from the toy box in the corner.
5. Glitter Art Kits
Glitter is the worst because once you let it inside your house, you will never be rid of it. Your preschooler will trip and spill the entire open bottle every time, launching thousands of sparkles into every crack in the room. You will find glitter for years on end.
6. Lego
Ah, yes, the wonderful pain-inducing LEGO brick. While they’re incredible for imagination and creating wonderful pieces of childhood art, they’re also stealthy traps for your feet to find. Soon, you’ll find yourself bunny hopping through the playroom.
7. Slime and Putty
This substance loves to cling to long hair and your expensive couch pillows. As soon as a chunk of green slime touches your couch, it’s essentially glued there forever. You’ll frantically research vinegar remedies online while your bewildered child giggles at your desperation.
8. Whistles and Kazoos
No kid ever wants these whistles, but for some reason, your fiancé’s sister thinks they’re a great birthday gift. There’s nothing quite as annoying as the sound of a tiny whistle being blown over and over repeatedly. Did I mention they don’t know how to “play” them quietly?
9. Super-Sticky Wall Walkers
Sticking things against the wall and watching them slowly flip down sounds like a lot of fun. Watching your child chuck those germ-infested rubber toys at the wall until they can’t reach you anymore isn’t. Not only do they leave a nasty oily residue on your freshly painted walls, but they also attract every particle of dust and pet hair known to man.
10. Micro-Sized Doll Accessories
We get it, dolls are great. But parents hate the plastic shoes, brushes, and mini purses that come with them, though. After they’re swallowed by the vacuum five thousand times, you’ll be crawling around on your hands and knees, begging your child not to panic you while you look for them.
11. Battery-Operated Singing Books
Books are great. Books that play horrible recordings of children’s songs when you turn a page are excessive. The built-in speakers on these things are often shockingly loud and astoundingly terrible.
12. Giant Plush Animals
What parent wouldn’t love a foot-tall teddy bear? Well, you do once you see how much room it takes up. There is no better way to attract dust bunnies than with a huge stuffed animal.
13. Marbles and Small Spheres
Marbles are slippery and hard to notice, and they will one day send your kids tumbling down. Marbles also like to hide in hard-to-reach places. The sound of crunched marbles under your furniture will haunt you for a while.
14. Marker Sets
When it comes to marker sets, don’t be fooled by the handy “washable” label on the box. You will never be able to trust your child in a room alone with a marker and a blank wall. They’ll sit for hours colorfully decorating the walls until you notice.
15. Bead Jewelry Kits
Beads are fantastic for motor skills, but they suck if you walk around your house barefoot. They will stay on your carpet for eternity. Bonus beads will find their way into the grooves of your sliding glass door and inside your shoes for years to come.
16. Remote-Controlled Cars with No Mute
Prepare to have these cars racing around your kitchen floor for years to come. They’re impossible to keep track of, and most of them have that awful electric motor noise. They always seem to find their way under the couch, too.
17. Indoor Ball Pits
It sounds fun in theory, but in practice, ball pits gets messy fast. You’ll have a kiddie pool set up to contain the balls, but they’ll definitely make their way out. Prepare to find them all over your house for years to come.
18. Cheap Plastic Jewelry and Crowns
Tiny plastic jewels fall off way too easily and turn into a hazard as soon as your toddler pries them off. Crowns, on the other hand, are made out of terribly flimsy material. Your child will cry when they realize their new crown broke with only a few uses.
19. Pop-Up Surprise Boxes
It’s loud, annoying and comes to life when you least expect it. Listening to that awful music box song on repeat will drive you insane. Even when you think you’ve heard it stop, those cogs will be turning in your mind until the sun goes down.
20. Anything with "Some Assembly Required"
Some assembly required should mean “easy-to-build,” but it never is. An extra challenge on your kid’s birthday is the last thing you want to deal with. Why does this stupid rocker look like a jigsaw puzzle? It’ll take you all day to build, and your kid will be bored before you even get started.
