It’s Time to Put Yourself First
People-pleasing is hardly a new concept, but most are unaware of how damaging it is. From low self-esteem to chronic stress, people-pleasing wreaks havoc on our psyches and it’s time to shift beliefs.
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1. Can’t Say No
Just about every people-pleaser struggles to say no. Whether it’s setting boundaries with a parent or never shutting down a cruel boss, people-pleasers forego their own needs to appease others.
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2. Neglecting Your Needs
It doesn’t matter how affected they are, people-pleasers ignore their needs for others’. They’re often pulled in every direction and can suffer anything from lost sleep and burnout to chronic stress and resentment.
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3. Worried About Others’ Opinions
People-pleasing often stems from a deep-rooted desire for approval. Constantly worrying about what others think morphs into all sorts of harmful behaviors, such as disrespected boundaries or never saying no.
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4. Fear of Rejection
On the surface, people-pleasing seems like a surefire way to earn respect. There could also be backwards beliefs that you’ll land a new job or keep a partner happy. The reality is, people-pleasing doesn’t do much else besides ruin your mental health and let you get taken advantage of.
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5. Difficulty Being Honest
When you combine a fear or rejection with an inability to say no, you get trouble communicating. It’s much harder to stand up for yourself or set boundaries when you’ve sacrificed your well-being for so long. In the long run, all those bottled emotions lead to stress and resentment.
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6. Low Self-Esteem
People-pleasers usually base their self-worth on what others think. If you always seek outside approval, it doesn’t leave much room to validate yourself, and the sad truth is that people-pleasers then develop low self-esteem.
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7. Desperate for Approval
People-pleasing is so much more than a need for validation—it’s about others’ general approval. It’s not uncommon for people-pleasers to alter behavior or feel overwhelming anxiety when they perceive disapproval, even if it’s something small.
8. Lingering Resentment
When you neglect self-care for so long, it then becomes easier to do what others want and fall into a horrible cycle of ignoring your needs. At the end of the day, that manifests into all kinds of resentment.
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9. Always Apologizing
From always worrying about others’ opinions to being desperate for approval, people-pleasers apologize a lot. Even, and perhaps especially, when things aren’t their fault, they often resort to apologizing as a means of avoiding conflict.
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10. Stretching Yourself Thin
Whether it’s at work or in personal relationships, people-pleasers stretch themselves way too thin. Never saying no means reaching beyond your limits and sacrificing basic needs like proper sleep or even a good meal.
Given how harmful people-pleasing can actually be, let’s dive into some effective ways you can change your behavior.
1. Learn to Say No
Of course, this is far easier said than done. However, you can start small. Say no in situations that don’t really have any consequences or conflict. From there, you can slowly build confidence to start saying no when it really matters.
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2. Put Yourself First
Repeat after us: you’re not a bad person for saying no. You’re also not a bad person for having boundaries. You are just as important as others, which means you deserve the same attention you’ve selflessly given up until now. Pamper yourself a little.
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3. Set Boundaries
Everyone has (or should have) boundaries, including you. Boundaries prevent you from being taken advantage of and free your schedule for what you want to do. They also help ensure you aren’t stretched too thin.
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4. Challenge Guilt
At this stage, it’s normal to feel guilty when you say no. Hold your ground, though. It’s okay to acknowledge these feelings—so long as you remember that you’re also important and prioritize self-care.
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5. Embrace Conflict
Conflict happens in any relationship. Learn to embrace the differences going forward! Practice effective communication and respectfully setting boundaries with others. Your relationships will thrive because of it.
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6. Keep Away From Certain People
As much as we hate to say it, some people take advantage of people-pleasers—keep away from them in the future. Toxic people aren’t interested in your boundaries and will only try to shame you for having them.
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7. Pat Yourself on the Back
We could all do with more self-love, but it’s especially important in moments of healing. It doesn’t matter if you told off a pushy co-worker or simply said “no,” little wins go a long way.
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8. Seek Internal Validation
Don’t let others determine your self-worth. You’re still valuable even if you say no or turn down that work project. Practice gratitude journaling or celebrate small victories to help boost your confidence.
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9. Don’t Answer Immediately
Buy yourself some time—don’t answer people right away. Most situations don’t warrant an immediate, convoluted response about why you’re unavailable. Keep it simple. Think about what you’re going to say, set your boundary, and focus on your well-being.
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10. Be Patient With Yourself
Change won’t happen overnight, so be patient with yourself. It’s okay to occasionally slip or even have a good cry. So long as you work toward improvement, you’re doing all you can.
