How to Preserve Your Peace
Monsters-in-law are often the butt of the joke—they’re antagonists in books and movies and have even starred in some videos on social media. However, that kind of toxicity is no laughing matter. Truly disrespectful MILs can destroy marriages, which is why it’s important to spot the signs of bad behavior.
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1. She Disregards Your Feelings
Normal circumstances warrant open communication; if you’re butting heads with someone, an honest discussion usually smoothes things over. However, toxic mothers-in-law don’t want a truce and often turn their noses when you voice concerns.
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2. She Has Financial Say
It’s never a good sign if your MIL shoehorns her way into financial decisions. Your partnership with your spouse doesn’t involve a third party, and refusal to accept that boundary is a classic sign of toxic mothers-in-law.
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3. She Always Criticizes
Disrespectful mothers-in-law sic honing beacons on your “faults.” It doesn’t matter what you do, they’ll always swoop with an unkind word about your parenting style, lifestyle choices, or financial decisions.
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4. She Plays Favorites
Toxic mothers-in-law may show blatant favoritism towards other family members or their children, which causes even more friction. Not only does this disrupt family dynamics, it’s also unnecessary and cruel.
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5. She’s Highly Passive-Aggressive
Toxic people usually engage in passive-aggressive behavior. As far as MILs are concerned, this could mean anything from backhanded compliments to the dreaded silent treatment—though that’s probably a blessing in disguise.
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6. She Ignores Boundaries
Look out for a total disregard for boundaries. Intrusive mothers-in-law ignore lines in the sand, no matter how plainly you draw them, and tend to stir up drama. Common red flags are trying to control holiday plans or dropping by unannounced.
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7. She Competes for Affection
It’s never a good sign when mothers-in-law compete for attention. That childish competition drives an unnecessary wedge between you and your partner. It also causes undue stress, so watch for MILs who see your relationship as an invite to compete.
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8. She Never Apologizes
Apologizing is hard, it’s true. But that doesn’t mean toxic MILs should avoid them altogether. Refusal to accept responsibility is just another tally on the board—it shows a disrespectful unwillingness to smooth things over.
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9. She Gaslights You
You’re not being gaslit, you’re just crazy! In all seriousness, mothers-in-law often resort to gaslighting. It’s a manipulative way to dismiss your feelings, attack your self-esteem, and make you doubt yourself.
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10. She Manipulates Your Spouse
While we’re on the topic of manipulation, it’s common for MILs to play the victim with your spouse. This not only causes tension between you and your partner, but it also puts your partner in an awkward position.
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To put it mildly, constant toxicity can be taxing. The good news is that you can take steps to protect your mental health and marriage.
1. Open Communication
Toxic people are exhausting and sometimes it seems easier just to avoid them. However, MILs will never know they hurt you if you stay silent. Even if they don’t listen, you can still rest easy knowing you did all you could to convey your feelings.
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2. Don’t Engage in Fights
There seems to be a kind of sick thrill for MILs when they instigate an argument. Don’t let them—effective communication is far better than arguing, especially with persistent behavior. Let them scream themselves blue while you keep your cool.
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3. Seek Help From Your Partner
Your partner probably feels like they’re between a rock and a hard place, but they’re ultimately there to support you. Speak to them about ways you’ve been hurt and recruit their support for the future. Chances are, your partner is well aware of what’s going on.
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4. Get a Support Network
Of course, you can always rely on others as well. Support networks can include anyone from family members to close friends, and there’s no shame in confiding in them. A good group of people can be the exact bubble you need to protect your inner peace.
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5. Document Incidents
The sad truth is that partners don’t always want to see what’s going on. Documenting incidents is a good way to show them what’s happening. Not only that, but it’s also a good way to combat gaslighting, no matter how hard your MIL tries.
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6. Try Not to Take It Personally
It’s easier said than done, but try not to take toxic behavior to heart. At the end of the day, it’s a reflection of their insecurities and says far more about them than it does about you.
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7. Limit Contact
More extreme cases may call for limited contact, and that’s okay. It’s a harsh measure, but there’s nothing wrong with taking a step back. Limited contact saves your marriage, eases stress, and can also be the wake-up call a MIL needs.
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8. Don’t Expect Better Behavior
It’d be nice if one day your MIL woke up, apologized for everything, and life went back to normal. But in reality, this probably won’t happen. It’s better for your sanity to nip those expectations in the bud.
9. Firm Boundaries
Establish firm boundaries about what is and is not acceptable. Even if she doesn’t like it, don’t feel bad about enforcing them. Remember, boundaries aren’t for her approval, they’re meant to protect you.
10. Consider Professional Help
Incessant toxicity weighs heavily on a person. There’s no shame in speaking with a professional. They’re there to listen and can also help narrow down safe coping mechanisms.
