Jennifer Kalenberg on Unsplash
"When are you going to give me grandchildren?" is the cry of many an aging parent to a grown-up child adamant about being child-free. Even when the children have made it clear that they are not expecting, and perhaps never will, many seniors refuse to believe them. Is it selfish to deny your parents grandchildren? Is it selfish to demand them?
While there is nuance to this situation, there's also a harsh reality that a lot of seniors won't want to face. It isn't selfish to deny your parents grandchildren, but it is selfish to demand them.
A Risky Roll Of The Dice
First of all, a human being isn't a gift, nor is it a transaction. You cannot "give" someone a human being the way you would a birthday present. This degrades not only the value of human life but also the labor that goes into nurturing that life, from feeding a fetus to sending a child off to college.
Grandchildren are not tchotchkes to decorate a mantle or show off to friends. They're little people who will develop their own thoughts and feelings and autonomy. Bringing life into this world is not the same as buying the latest electronic gadget.
Not only is a child far more expensive than the latest iPhone, but it doesn't come with a gift receipt.
Even people who want children tend to have an in-depth discussion with their partner about what it will mean, how it will change their lives, and what it will cost. The cost of living in 2025 is higher than ever, and it's only going up as far as the eye can see. One reason why people may not be having children isn't because they don't want them, but because the average person cannot afford them.
Childcare costs and expectations aren't the only things that are changing. The world as a whole is changing on a scale that's impossible to predict. For many people, the world is changing into someplace scary, a place they may feel hesitant about bringing a child into.
Some people may argue that no parent has ever felt entirely secure about their decision, that every parent wants to cover the world in bubble wrap to make it safe for their child. It's easy to say that to people who don't have to consider rising rates of gun violence in schools, outbreaks of childhood disease, and increasing internet radicalization. If having children is a gamble, it's an awfully risky one.
Humanity is not a series of microtransactions. You owe your fellow human beings dignity and kindness, yes. However, giving birth shouldn't be a you-scratch-my-back-I'll-scratch-yours situation.
Never Break The Chain
A common argument is that you—both in general and the person reading this—exist thanks to a millennia-old chain of reproduction going back to the dawn on humanity. So, you owe it not only to your immediate family, but your ancestors to keep the chain unbroken. Breaking the chain would betray the history of humanity.
Only children face even more pressure. If they don't give their parents children, nobody will. The horror!
In reality, it isn't that deep. In reality, it's also a lot deeper.
One thing this logic fails to consider is the hundreds of generations where women did not have a choice in the matter of motherhood. We want to imagine the past with a rosy glow of nostalgia, we want every child that was brought into this world to be wanted.
Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. It wasn't the case for thousands of years, and it still isn't the case across the world. Not everybody wants to be a parent. Nobody should be forced into being one.
What's the worst thing that can happen if a family line dies out after thousands of years? Nothing. Humanity will keep evolving. It's better to focus on finding joy and creating a life you're proud of, rather than fretting about future generations.
Children are not the only legacy a person or a family can have.
Ultimately, what a person decides to do with their body is their decision. You shouldn't be forced into living your life for someone else. And, if you're a senior sad about never becoming a grandparent, it may be a balm to know that grandchildren are not the only source of joy in the world.
